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Sayings 

OF  THE 
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Parities 

ALL  THE  LATEST 
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THOS.  W.  JACKSpN,  PUBLISHER,  CHICAGO,  ILL. 


THOMAS  W.  JACKSON. 


On  a  Slow  Train 
Through  Arkansaw 


By  THOS.  W.  JACKSON 


FUNNY  RAILROAD  STORIES— SAYINGS   OF  THE 

SOUTHERN  DARKIES— ALL  THE  LATEST 

AND  .BEST    MINSTREL    JOKES 

OF     THE    DAY 


THIS  BOOK  SENT  POST  PAID  TO  ANY 
ADDRESS  ON  RECEIPT  OF  25   CENTS 


THOS.  W.  JACKSON,  Publisher 
CHICAGO,  ILL. 
ert-  \  fa  3-9 


Copyright  1903 

BY 

THOS.  W.  JACKSON 


ALL   RIGHTS    RESERVED 


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On  a  Slow  Train  Through 
Arkansaw 


You  are  not  the  only  pebble  on  the  beach  for 
there  is  a  little  rock  in  Arkansaw.  It  was  down 
in  the  state  of  Arkansaw  I  rode  on  the  slowest 
train  I  ever  saw.  It  stopped  at  every  house. 
When  it  come  to  a  double  house  it  stopped  twice. 
They  made  so  many  stops  I  said,  ''Conductor, 
what  have  we  stopped  for  now  ? ' '  He  said,  " There 
are  some  cattle  on  the  track.' '  We  ran  a  little 
ways  further  and  stopped  again.  I  said,  "  What 
is  the  matter  now?"  He  said,  "  We  have  caught 
up  with  those  cattle  again.' '  We  made  pretty 
good  time  for  about  two  miles.  One  old  cow  got 
her  tail  caught  in  the  cow-catcher  and  she  ran 
off  down  the  track  with  the  train.  The  cattle 
bothered  us  so  much  they  had  to  take  the  cow- 
catcher off  the  engine  and  put  it  on  the  hind  end 
of  the  train  to  keep  the  cattle  from  jumping  up 
in  the  sleeper.  A  lady  said,  "  Conductor,  can't 
this  train  make  any  better  time  than  this?" 
He  said,  "If  you  ain't  satisfied  with  this  train, 
you  can  get  off  and  walk."  She  said  she  would, 
only  her  folks  didn't  expect  her  till  the  train  got 
there.  A  lady  handed  the  conductor  two  tickets, 
one  whole  ticket   and  a  half  ticket.     He   said, 

5 

M151463 


0        On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

"Who  is  the  half  ticket  for?"     She  said,  "My 
boy."     The  conductor  said,   "He's  not  a  boy; 


iTHE  SLOW  TRAIN 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw         7 

he's  a  man.  Under  twelve,  half  fare,  over 
twelve,  full  fare."  She  said,  "He  was  under 
twelve  when  we  started.' ' 

The  news  agent  came  through.     He  was  an 
old  man  with  long  gray  whiskers.     I  said,  "Old 


ON  THE  SLOW  TRAIN 

man,  I  thought  they  always  had  boys  on  the 
train  to  sell  the  pop  corn,  chewing  gum  and 
candy/ '  He  said  he  was  a  boy  when  he  started. 
They  stopped  so  often  one  of  the  passengers  tried 
to  commit  suicide.  He  ran  ahead  for  half  a  mile, 
laid  down  on  the  track,  but  he  starved  to  death 
before  the  train  got  there. 


8        On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

We  had  a  narrow  escape  of  being  killed.  Just 
as  we  got  on  the  middle  of  a  high  bridge  the  en- 
gineer discovered  it  was  on  fire,  but  we  went  right 
across.  Just  as  the  last  car  got  over,  the  bridge 
fell.  I  said,  "  Conductor,  how  did  we  ever  get 
across  without  going  down?"  He  said,  "Some 
train  robbers  held  us  up." 

We  ran  a  little  further  and  stopped  again.  Some 
one  asked  the  conductor  what  was  wrong.  He 
said  a  cow  had  kicked  the  fireman  in  the  jaw. 
The  engineer  had  stopped  to  tie  the  cow's  foot  up. 

The  conductor  collected  half  fare  from  a  lady 
for  her  little  girl.  It  made  her  so  mad  she  asked 
the  conductor  what  that  said  on  his  cap.  He 
said,  "  Train  conductor."  She  said  it  ought  to  be 
"Train  robber."  He  said  he  only  took  what 
was  fare. 

There  was  a  lady  on  the  train  with  a  baby. 
When  the  conductor  asked  her  for  her  ticket,  she 
said  she  didn't  have  any,  the  baby  had  swallowed 
it.     The  conductor  punched  the  baby. 

There  were  three  kinds  of  passengers  who  rode  on 
that  train.  First  class,  Second  class  and  Third 
class.  I  said,  "Conductor,  what  is  the  difference 
between  the  First  class  and  Third  class  passengers, 
they  are  all  riding  in  the  same  car?"  He  said, 
"Just  wait  a  while  and  I  will  show  you."  We 
ran  a  little  ways  and  stopped  again.  The  con- 
ductor came  in  and  said,  "First  class  passengers, 
keep  your  seats ;  Second  class  passengers,  get  off 
and  walk;  Third  class  passengers,  get  off  and 
push." 

For  a  crooked  road,  she  was  the  limit.  In 
order  to  get  the  engine  around  the  curves  they 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw        9 

had  a  hinge  in  the  boiler.  The  fireman  had  a 
wooden  leg  and  was  crossed-eyed,  half  of  the 
time  he  was  shoveling  coal  in  the  headlight  in- 
stead of  the  fire-box.  It  was  so  crooked  we  met 
ourself  coming  back.  The  curves  were  so  short 
they  called  them  corners.  The  engineer  had  to 
shave  every  day  to  keep  the  rocks  from  knocking 
off  his  whiskers. 

The  conductor  was  the  tallest  man  I  ever  saw. 
I  said,  " Conductor,  what  makes  you  so  tall?" 
He  said  it  was  because  he  had  had  his  leg  pulled 
so  often.  He  said  he  was  born  in  the  top  of  a 
ten  story  building.  He  came  high,  but  they  had 
to  have  him. 

He  said  he  had  been  running  on  that  road  for 
thirty  years,  and  had  only  taken  in  one  fare, 
that  was  the  World's  Fair. 

An  old  lady  said  to  the  porter,  "Are  you  the 
colored  porter ?"  He  said,  no,  he  wasn't  colored 
he  was  born  that  way.  She  said,  "I  gave  you 
a  dollar,  where  is  my  change ?"  He  said,  "This 
car  goes  through;  there  is  no  change/ ' 

There  was  a  Dutchman  on  the  train,  he  was 
trying  to  ride  on  a  meal  ticket.  The  conductor 
told  him  he  would  have  to  pay  his  fare.  He  said, 
"  How  much  does  it  cost  to  ride  to  the  next  sta- 
tion ?"  The  conductor  said,  "Thirty  cents.' ' 
The  Dutchman  said,  "  I  will  give  you  twenty-five." 
The  conductor  told  him  it  would  cost  him  thirty. 
The  Dutchman  said,  "Before  I  will  give  more 
than  twenty-five  I  will  walk."  The  conductor 
stopped  the  train  and  put  him  off.  The  Dutch- 
man ran  ahead  of  the  engine  and  started  to  walk. 
The  engineer  began  to  blow  the  whistle.     The 


io      On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

Dutchman  said,  "  You  can  vissel  all  you  vant,  I 
wont  come  back." 

There  was  an  old  man  and  woman  on  the  train 
by  the  name  of  Jessup.  There  happened  to  be  a 
place  where,  the  train  stopped  by  the  name  of 
Jessup's  Cuv.  The  old  man  went  to  the  car  ahead. 
When  the  brakeman  came  in  and  hollered,  "  Jes- 
sup's Cut!"  the  old  woman  jumped  up  and  holler- 
ed, "My  God!  who  cut  Jessup?" 

They  ran  a  little  ways  further  and  stopped  again. 
Somebody  said,  "Conductor,  what  have  we  stop- 
ped for  now?"  He  said,  "We  have  reached  the 
top  of  the  hill.  It  is  now  down  grade;  we  will 
make  a  little  better  time  and  have  an  entire 
change  of  scenery."     And  so  we  did. 


"Are  you  married?" 

"Yes,  I  married  a  spiritualist." 

"How  are  you  getting  along?" 

"Medium." 

I  hear  they  are  going  to  vaccinate  the  entire 
police  force  of  Chicago. 

I  don't  see  what  they  want  to  do  that  for, 
a  policeman  never  catches  anything. 

"We  had  a  big  wooden- wedding  over  at  our 
house." 

"How  was  that?" 

"My  sister  married  a  blockhead." 

"  Do  you  know  that  my  sister  is  a  duchess  now?" 
"No.     How  did  she  come  to  be  a  duchess?" 
"She  married  a  Dutchman." 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw      n 

"  I  got  a  letter  from  father  the  other  day.  He 
has  gone  in  the  hog  business.  I  wrote  and  told 
told  him  that  there  was  lots  of  money  in  hogs,  to 
stay  with  it." 

"What  do  you  know  about  hogs?" 

"  I  know  all  about  hogs ;  I  was  raised  with  them." 

"You  must  be  from  Missouri." 

"  Do  you  think  that  Shakespeare  wrote  all  those 
plays  that  they  say  he  did?" 

"  I  don't  know,  I  never  thought  much  about  it, 
but  when  I  die,  if  I  am  fortunate  enough  to  go  to 
Heaven,  I  will  ask  him." 

"In  case  he  ain't  there,  then  what?" 

"Oh,  well!  then  you  ask  him." 

"My  girl  is  a  dressmaker;  she  makes  wrappers 
for  cigars.  There  is  just  one  thing  wrong  with 
her;  she  is  cross-eyed.  She  is  a  good  girl;  she  is 
honest  but  she  looks  crooked." 

"Do  you  read  the  papers?" 

"Yes." 

"  Have  you  noticed  the  number  of  railroad  acci- 
dents that  have  happened  lately?  Just  the  other 
night  at  a  wedding  it  so  happened  that  Johnny 
Carr  was  going  to  be  married  to  a  young  lady  of 
the  same  name.  Just  as  the  preacher  was  pro- 
nouncing the  ceremony  a  rifle  ball  came  through 
the  window,  struck  the  preacher  in  the  breast  and 
killed  him." 

"Well,  what  has  that  got  to  do  with  a  railroad 
accident?" 

"They  say  he  was  killed  while  coupling  cars. 

"  Only  yesterday  at  the  hotel  I  am  stopping  at, 


12       On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

one  of  the  chamber-maids  was  found  lying  in  a 
room  dead ;  her  false  hair  had  come  down,  wrap- 
ped around  her  neck  and  choked  her  to  death. 
They  say  her  death  was  caused  by  a  misplaced 
switch." 

The  only  difference  between  you  and  a  man 
that  takes  the  wool  off  a  lamb's  back  and  dyes 
it  is,  he  is  a  lamb's  dyer  and  you  are  a  d 1 — . 

What  is  the  difference  between  that  ten  dollars 
you  owe  me  and  Tennessee. 

What  is  the  difference? 

Tennessee  I  will  see.  The  ten  you  owe  me  I 
will  never  see. 


There  was  a  little  town  on  the  line  called  Holder. 
There  was  a  newly  married  couple  on  the  train. 
They  were  holding  hands  and  warming  right  up 
to  one  another  when  the  brakeman  came  in  and 
hollered,  " Holder!  Holder!"  He  said  it  was  all 
right  if  he  did,  they  were  married. 

The  conductor  told  a  fellow  that  the  next  place 
was  where  he  got  off.  He  said,  "  Which  end  of  the 
car  shall  I  get  off  of?"  The  conductor  said, 
" Either  one;  both  ends  stop." 

There  was  a  young  fellow  on  the  train.  He 
couldn't  get  a  seat.  He  was  walking  up  and  down 
the  aisle  and  swearing.  There  was  a  preacher  in 
the  car.  He  said,  "  Young  man,  do  you  know 
where  you  are  going,  sir?  You  are  going  straight 
to  Hell."  He  said,  "I  don't  give  a  darn;  I've 
got  a  round  trip  ticket." 

The  brakeman  came  in  and  hollered,  ''Twenty 
minutes  for  dinner!"  When  the  train  stopped 
we  all  rushed  for  the  dining-room,     I  ordered  two 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw       13 


soft  boiled  eggs.  When  the  waiter  brought  them 
in,  she  opened  one  and  said,  "  Shall  I  open  the 
other?" 

I  said,  "No,  open  the  window." 

She  said,  "Ain't  the  eggs  all  right?". 

I  said,  "  Yes,  they  are  all  right,  but  I  think  they 
have  been  mislaid." 

One  fellow  in  the  excitement  drank  a  cup  of 
yeast  thinking  it  was  buttermilk.  He  rose  im- 
mediately. 


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A  FOUR  MILE  RUN 


The  waiter  was  handing  me  my  coffee  just  as 
the  conductor  was  hollering,  "  All  aboard."  She 
flipped  and  fell  and  spilled  the  coffee  down  my 


14      On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

back.  When  she  got  up  she  said,  "  Excuse  me, 
will  you  have  some  more?" 

I  said,  "No,  you  can  bring  me  an  umbrella." 

When  I  looked  out  I  saw  the  train  was  going. 
It  was  down  grade,  I  had  to  run  it  for  four  miles ; 
caught  the  hind  car;  just  as  I  pulled  myself  up 
on  the  steps  the  train  stopped,  backed  in  on  the 
siding  and  laid  four  hours  to  take  on  wood. 

When  we  started  a  young  lady  asked  the  con- 
ductor if  her  uncle  would  meet  her  at  the  depot 
when  she  got  off.  Of  course  he  was  supposed  to 
know. 

At  one  place  we  stopped  a  fellow  ran  up  to  the 
conductor  and  said,  ■ '  Is  this  my  train  ? ' '  He  said, 
"I  don't  think  so.  The  company  has  got  their 
name  on  it."  The  fellow  said,  "I  am  going  to 
take  it."  The  conductor  said,  "You  want  to  be 
careful  about  that,  for  there  has  been  several 
trains  missed  here  lately." 

The  stations  were  so  close  together  when  they 
stopped  at  one  they  had  to  back  up  to  whistle  for 
the  next. 

There  were  some  of  the  wealthiest  ladies  on 
that  train  I  ever  saw.  The  train  stopped,  one  lady 
said  to  the  other,  "  This  is  your  town,  and  the  next 
one  is  mine." 

Pretty  soon  they  hollered  out,  "  Skeetersville ! " 
That  was  my  town  where  I  got  off.  I  saw  a  sign 
that  read  "Hotel."     I  went  over  and  registered. 

They  gave  me  a  room  on  the  first  floor,  that  is 
from  the  roof.  It  was  one  of  those  rooms  when 
you  rent  it  the  roof  uses  it.  When  I  went  to  bed 
I  had  a  creeping  sensation  come  over  me.  I  got 
up  and  told  the  landlord  that  there  were  bugs  in 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaiv      15 


the  bed.  He  said  there  wasn't  a  single  bed- 
bug in  the  house !  I  told  him  that  he  was  right 
about  it,  they  were  all  married  and  had  large 
families. 

I  remember  the  hotel  was  on  the  bluff  and  it 
was  run  on  bluff.     Skeetersville  was  a  very  appro- 


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HOTEL  SCENE  IN  ARKANSAW 

priate  name  for  the  place,  for  the  musquitors  was 
all  there.  They  would  come  around  and  look 
on  the  register  to  see  what  room  you  had.  The 
landlord  told  me  he  had  just  adopted  a  new  set  of 
rules.  He.  handed  me  a  list  of  them.  They  read 
something  like  this: 

Rule  One :  In  order  to  prevent  the  guests  from 
carrying  fruit  from  the  table,  there  will  be  no 
fruit. 


1 6       On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

Married  men  without  baggage  will  leave  their 
wives  in  the  office. 

Old  and  feeble  gentlemen  will  not  be  allowed 
to  play  in  the  halls. 

Guests  will  not  be  allowed  to  use  Indian  clubs 
or  dumbbells  in  their  rooms.  If  they  want  exercise 
they  can  go  in  the  kitchen  and  beat  the  steak. 
I  set  right  up  to  the  table  and  beat  mine. 

Guests  will  not  be  allowed  to  tip  the  waiters, 
as  it  is  liable  to  cause  them  to  break  the  dishes. 
(I  promise  you  there  was  no  dishes  broken  while  I 
was  there.) 

Guests  at .  this  hotel  wishing  fine  board,  will 
please  call  for  saw  dust.  Biscuits  found  riveted 
together  can  be  opened  with  a  chisel  furnished 
by  the  waiter.  The  use  of  dynamite  is  positively 
prohibited. 

Guests  needn't  mind  paying  their  board,  as 
the  hotel  is  supported  by  a  good  foundation. 

Guests  on  retiring  at  night  will  leave  their 
money  with  the  night  clerk,  for  he  will  get  it 
anyhow. 

If  you  want  the  bellboy,  wring  a  towel. 

If  you  get  hungry  during  the  night,  take  a  roll 
in  bed. 

Base-ball  players  wanting  exercise  will  find  a 
pitcher  on  the  table. 

If  you  want  to  write  take  a  sheet  off  the  bed. 

If  you  find  the  bed  to  be-a  little  buggy  and  you 
have  a  nightmare,  just  hitch  the  mare  to  the 
buggy  and  drive  off. 

The  landlord  took  me  out  for  a  drive.  There  is 
some  fine  farms  down  there.  He  showed  me  a 
farm  that  you  could  raise  anything  on.     He  said 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw      17 

they  could  raise  potatoes  as  large  as  your  head. 
They  could  raise  cabbage  that  would  weigh  over 
a  hundred  pounds.  I  said,  "This  is  certainly  a 
remarkable  country.  How  do  you  account  for  it 
all?" 

He  said,  "  It  is  the  climate.  That  is  the  secret 
of  it  all.  It  is  the  climate.' '  I  said,  "Old  man, 
do  you  know  that  in  the  City  of  Chicago  there  is  a 
building  that  is  twenty-two  stories  high  that 
hasn't  got  any  stairs  or  elevator  to  it?" 

"How  do  they  get  up  in  it?" 

"They  climb  it." 

He  said,  "Do  you  know,  that  all  we  need  in 
this  country  is  a  little  more  rain  and  a  little  better 
society."     I  said,  "That  is  all  that  Hell  needs." 

I  had  only  been  there  about  a  week  when  the 
landlord  told  me  I  had  been  bombarding  against 
his  house.  I  told  him  I  hadn't  been  doing  any 
bombarding,  but  I  had  been  doing  some  bum 
boarding. 

You  couldn't  get  a  square  meal.  They  fed  us 
on  round  tables. 


CONUNDRUMS. 

Did  you  ever  hear  the  story  about  the  black 
crow?     No,  I  never  did.     It's  a  bird. 

Did  you  ever  hear  the  story  about  the  two  holes 
in  the  ground.     No.     Well,  well. 

What  is  the  greatest  neglected  vegetable  in  the 
world.     A  policeman's  beat. 

Why  is  a  pocket  handkerchief  like  a  ship  at  sea  ? 
Because  it  gets  many  a  hard  blow  and  occasionally 
goes  around  the  horn. 


1 8       On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

Why  are  eggs  always  cheaper  on  the  docks? 
Because  the  ships  lay  to. 

Suppose  you  should  break  your  knee,  where 
should  you  go  to  get  another?  To  Africa,  that  is 
where  the  negroes. 

Can  you  tell  me  the  difference  between  a  pair  of 
pants  and  a  pie? 

What  is  the  difference? 

A  pair  of  pants  has  to  be  cut  before  they  are 
made:   a  pie  has  to  be  made  before  it  is  cut. 

Why  is  a  horse  with  his  head  hanging  down  like 
next  Monday? 

Because  its  neck's  weak. 

Why  does  a  hen  lay  an  egg?  Because  it  is 
beyond  the  power  of  Carrie  Nation  to  hatch  it. 

Suppose  a  lady  should  break  her  knee,  where 
should  she  go  to  get  another?  To  Jerusalem, 
where  the  Shee-neys  grow. 

Why  do  the  stars  in  the  American  Flag  rep- 
resent the  stars  in  Heaven?  Because  it  is  be- 
yond the  power  of  any  nation  on  earth  to  pull 
them  down. 

What  is  the  difference  between  Christian  Science 
and  a  lean  woman?  One  is  a  humbug,  the  other 
is-  a  bum  hug. 

If  you  kiss  a  young  lady  she  calls  it  faith.  If 
you  kiss  a  married  woman  she  calls  it  hope.  If 
you  kiss  an  old  maid  she  calls  it  charity. 


My  next  stop  was  Potts ville.  When  I  got  there 
the  county  fair  was  going  on.  It  looked  like 
Fourth  of  July.  Talk  about  the  streets  of  Cairo ! 
they  wasn't  in  it  with  Pottsville.     I  went  out  to 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw      19 

the  fair  grounds.  I  met  a  one-legged  man  selling 
lead  pencils.  I  asked  him  how  business  was.  He 
said  he  couldn't  kick. 

I  saw  a  fellow  turning  a  hand-organ  with  a  sign 
on  his  hat  that  said,  "Help  me,  I  am  blind/ '  I 
said  to  him,  M  How  do  I  know  you  are  blind?  You 
prove  to  me  you  are  blind,  and  I  will  give  you  a 
quarter/ '     He  said,  "Let  me  see  the  quarter.' ' 

I  went  a  little  ways  further;  saw  a  sign  that 
said,  "  Fortunes  told  "  ;  went  in  and  had  mine  told. 
The  fortune  teller  looked  at  my  hand  and  told 
mine.  He  said  I  was  going  to  get  married  and 
have  lots  of  clothes.  I  asked  him  how  he  could  tell. 
He  said  by  my  clothes  line.  He  told  me  I  had 
been  eating  onions.  How  do  you  suppose  he 
knew  that?  I  told  him  I  hadn't  breathed  it  to  a 
soul  except  him.  He  said  that  I  would  be  without 
money  until  I  was  forty  years  old  and  then  I 
would  be  used  to  it. 

I  saw  a  lot  of  fellows  throwing  balls  at  babies. 
You  get  a  cigar  for  every  baby  you  hit.  I  thro  wed 
for  ten  minutes,  and  never  hit  a  baby.  I  began 
to  get  homesick  right  away.  I  suppose  it  was 
because  I  missed  the  children. 

I  went  to  the  postoffice.  There  I  saw  some  signs 
that  read,  "Postoffice  open  from  now  till  then." 
"From  here  to  there."  "Pistol  cards  for  sale." 
"Leave  your  address  with  the  undertaker." 
"Stamp  your  letters  and  not  your  feet."  "Lick 
the  stamps  and  not  the  Post  Master."  "Office 
closes  at  six  o'clock  on  the  last  Saturday  of  each 
week."     "  By  order  of  the  Post  Hole  office  man." 

A  man  came  in  and  said  to  the  Post  Master,  "  Is 
there  a  letter  here  for  me?"     The  Post  Master 


20      On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

said,  "What  is  the  name,  please ?"  He  said, 
4 'Louder."  The  Post  Master  said,  "I  want  to 
know  your  name."  He  said,  "  Louder.  J.  H. 
Louder.  If  you  wasn't  working  for  Uncle  Sam 
I'd  take  a  tooth  pick  and  come  around  behind 
there  and  clean  your  ears." 

I  went  to  the  hotel,  picked  up  a  paper,  read  the 
heading  of  a  piece  that  said,  "Big  Railroad 
Wreck.  No  one  hurt!  Ten  Texas  steers  and  a 
brakeman  killed  I  The  heading  of  another  piece 
read  like  this,  "  Big  shoe  store  burnt  in  the  East. 
One  thousand  soles  lost,  all  the  heels  were  saved." 
I  read  another  piece  that  said,  "A  man  jumped  in 
the  river  and  committed  suicide !  They  say  there 
was  a  woman  at  the  bottom  of  it!" 

I  read  some  of  the  advertisements. 

One  read,  "Wanted,  young  lady  to  work  in  a 
bakery.  She  must  be  from  the  East  and  well  bred 
and  she  will  get  her  dough  every  Saturday  night." 

Another  read,  "Wanted  a  man  and  wife  to  work 
on  a  farm.  They  must  speak  German  and  French 
and  understand  horses  and  cows." 

"Young  man  wants  position  in  bank  handling 
money.     Has  no  objections  to  leaving  town." 

"  A  man  that  never  done  a  day's  work  in  his  life 
wants  a  position  as  night  watchman." 

"  Large  dog  for  sale  Will  eat  anything.  Very 
fond  of  children." 

While  I  was  there  I  was  arrested  for  gambling. 
The  judge  fined  me  ten  dollars.  I  said :  "  Judge,  I 
wasn't  playing  for  money,  I  was  playing  for  chips." 
He  said  chips  was  just  the  same  as  money.  So  I 
gave  him  ten  dollars  worth  of  chips. 

In  Arkansaw  they  believe  in  doing  everything 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw      21 

right.  I  stopped  at  a  place  where  there  was  one 
doctor,  two  shoe  makers  and  a  blacksmith.  The 
doctor  killed  a  man.  They  didn't  want  to  be 
without  a  doctor,  so  they  hung  one  of  the  shoe 
makers. 

I  stopped  at  one  place  where  they  had  lost  all 
track  of  the  day  of  the  week.  They  were  holding 
church  on  Monday  for  Sunday.  Some  of  the 
people  down  there  have  a  queer  way  of  naming 
their  children.  I  stopped  with  a  family  that  had 
two  twin  boys.  One  was  named  Pete  and  the 
other  Repete.  At  another  place  they  had  two 
twin  girls.  One  they  called  Kate,  the  other  Du- 
plicate. I  stopped  with  a  family  by  the  name  of 
Wind.  They  had  a  daughter.  Her  name  was 
Helen  Augusta  Wind. 

We  came  to  a  sign  in  the  forks  of  a  road  that 
read  like  this,  "Take  the  right  hand  road  for  the 
distillery.  If  you  can't  read,  ask  the  blacksmith. ' ' 
At  another  place  I  was  at  they  were  going  to  have 
an  entertainment.  It  was  to  be  home  talent,  of 
course.  I  received  an  invitation  and  was  also 
asked  to  take  part  in  the  play,  which  I  agreed  to 
do.  They  put  my  name  on  the  program,  and,  of 
course,  I  was  expected  to  do  something,  I  re- 
member the  first  number  on  the  program  was  a 
young  lady.  She  came  out  to  sing.  She  had  a 
kind  of  a  Montana  voice.  It  was  a  beaut.  It 
was  Hell-ena.  She  had  it  vaccinated  but  it  didn't 
take. 

The  next  was  a  young  fellow.  He  sang  a  song 
that  was  dedicated  to  the  milkmen  of  that  place, 
entitled,  "  Shall  We  Gather  at  the  River."  When 
he  started  to  sing  the  boys  went  out  and  got  a  lot 


22       On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

of  duck  eggs  and  throwed  them  at  him.  You 
ought  to  have  seen  him  duck  eggs. 

They  have  a  different  way  of  encoring  you  down 
there.  They  don't  clap  their  hands  when  they 
want  you  to  come  back.  They  all  holler,  "  Come 
back."  When  we  got  through  they  hollered, 
"Come  back!  Come  back!"  One  big  fellow 
dared  him  to  come  back. 

It  came  my  turn  next.  I  said,  "Ladies  and 
gentlemen,  I  will  recite  you  a  little  poetry.  I  will 
take  for  my  subject,  "The  Lights.' ' 

' '  The  lights  that  shine  tonight  in  this  grand  theater 
Are  not  as  bright  as   the   lights  that  shine  tonight  in 
Denver,  Colorata." 

They  wanted  me  to  sing.  I  told  them  I  had  just 
received  a  message  saying  I  had  a  very  bad  cold. 
They  insisted  I  should  sing  anyhow.  I  agreed  to 
sing.  I  said  the  first  part  of  the  song  is  awfully 
simple.  The  second  part  is  simply  awful.  If  you 
have  any  tears  to  shed  go  to  the  wood-shed  and 
shed  them.  When  I  started  to  sing  I  received  the 
greatest  ovation  of  eggs  that  anybody  ever  re- 
ceived. I  hollered  "Fowl!"  Before  I  got  half 
way  through  the  song  over  half  of  the  audience 
was  on  the  stage.  They  said  if  they  could  find  a 
rail  they  would  show  me  a  trick.  They  lifted  me 
up  on  their  shoulders  and  escorted  me  to  the  city 
limits  and  told  me  not  to  come  back  and  I  didn't 
come  back.  I  kept  on  going  until  I  got  to  Fort 
Smith.  When  I  got  there  the  first  place  I  came 
to  was  a  saloon.  I  walked  right  in  and  called  for 
a  glass  of  seltzer.  The  bartender  poured  it  out 
and  set  it  on  the  bar.  I  heard  a  noise  on  the  out- 
side.    I  walked  to  the  door  to  see  what  it  was. 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw      23 

When  I  came  back  my  seltzer  was  gone.  There 
was  no  one  there  but  the  bartender  and  myself; 
I  knew  he  must  have  taken  it.  I  hit  him.  In 
came  a  policeman  and  arrested  me.  He  took  me 
down  to  the  jail,  opened  up  a  door  and  said, 
"This  is  your  cell,  sir." 

I  found  it  to  be  a  perfect  sell.  The  windows, 
they  were  great.  I  was  just  surrounded  with  bars 
and  couldn't  get  a  drink.  United  States  court  is 
held  there  for  the  Indian  Territory.  All  the  tough 
characters  are  brought  there  for  trial.  They  usu- 
ally have  a  hanging  about  every  Friday.  There 
are  a  great  many  people  who  leave  Fort  Smith  by 
the  rope  route.  There  is  a  scaffold  in  the  jail  yard 
that  accommodates  ten  at  once.  The  hangman  is 
an  old  man.  He  has  the  distinction  of  being  the 
champion  hangman  of  the  world.  He  has  sprung 
the  trap  on  eighty-seven  men  and  has  shot  to 
death  seven.  When  he  gets  them  on  the  scaffold 
he  hollers,  "Get  your  feet  up  even!"  When  he 
puts  the  rope  around  their  necks  he  tickles  them 
under  the  chin  and  tells  them  he  is  going  to  make 
angels  out  of  them. 

While  I  was  in  Fort  Smith  a  policeman  found  a 
man  lying  on  the  sidewalk  who  had  fainted,  he 
took  him  to  the  police  station.  When  he  got 
there  he  discovered  the  man  was  dead.  They 
searched  him  and  found  a  six-shooter  and  forty 
dollars.  The  policeman  took  the  six-shooter;  the 
judge  fined  him  forty  dollars  for  carrying  con- 
cealed weapons. 

Look  at  the  condition  of  the  working  man  to- 
day, where  is  he?     The  tinners  are  continually 


24      On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

going  up  the  spout.  The  plumbers  are  always 
in  the  gutter.  The  paper-hangers  are  up  against 
the  wall.  The  bakers  are  compelled  to  raise  the 
dough.  The  police  has  to  be  on  the  beet  in  order 
to  live.  The  shoe-makers  have  to  work  on  their 
uppers  and  they  get  waxed  in  the  end.  The 
clock-makers  are  run  on  tick  and  they  are  never 
on  time.  The  old  washwoman  is  always  in  soak 
and  she  is  the  only  one  you  see  hanging  out  on 
the  line. 


When  I  left  Fort  Smith  I  remember  it  was  on  a 
Friday  night.  The  13th  day  of  the  month.  I 
had  berth  13,  and  there  was  a  cross-eyed  porter 
on  the  car.  There  was  a  newly  married  couple 
in  the  next  berth  to  me.  During  the  night  she 
wanted  a  drink  of  water."  She  said,  "  John,  get 
up  and  get  me  a  drink  of  water."  He  said,  "  Dear, 
you  get  up  and  get  it."  She  said,  "How  will  I 
know  what  berth  you  are  in  when  I  come  back?" 
He  said,  "I  will  stick  my  foot  out  in  the  aisle." 
When  she  came  back  every  man  in  the  car  had  his 
foot  sticking  out  in  the  aisle. 

The  next  morning  the  porter  brushed  my  clothes. 
I  thanked  him. 

He  said,  "Look  hyer,  boss!  You  is  the  sixth 
man  I'se  brushed  off  dis  mawnin' ;  I  ain't  seen 
any  dust  yet." 

I  said,  "  There  has  been  over  a  hundred  porters 
brushed  my  clothes;  none  of  them  ever  got  any 
dust  out  of  them." 

He  said,  "You  shore  carries  de  dust  in  your 
pocket." 

The  next  morning  I  was  riding  m  the  chair  car. 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw      25 

There  was  a  fellow  sitting  along  side  of  me.  He 
seemed  to  be  mighty  sleepy.  I  said,  "Did  you 
take  a  berth  last  night?"  He  said,  "Yes,  but  I 
had  an  upper  berth,  and  had  to  get  up  before  I 
went  to  bed."  I  said,  "Do  you  see  that  scar  on 
my  face?     That  is  my  berth  mark."     "How  is 


ALL  FEET  LOOKED  ALIKE  TO  HER 

that?"  "I  took  a  sleeper  not  long  ago  and  got 
in  the  wrong  berth." 

A  boy  fell  over  a  lady's  valise  and  said  he  was 
just  getting  over  the  grip. 

There  were  two  brakemen  on  the  train.  One 
was  a  new  man  making  his  first  trip.     The  old 


26        On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

brakeman  said  to    the  new  one,  "I   will    call  the 
station  in  one    end  of    the  car,  and    you  call  the 


THE  SLOW  'WESTON  A  DOWN  GRADE  NIGH  LITTLE  ROCK, 
GWIEN  A  PERTY  GOOD  HICKERY 

same  in  the  other  end."  When  the  train  whistled 
for  the  station  the  old  brakeman  came  in  and 
called  out  the   name  in  the   front  end  of   the  car. 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw        27 

The  new  brakeman  in  the  hind  end  hollered,  "  The 
same  in  this  end!"  The  old  brakeman  told  him 
the  name  of  the  next  station  and  said,  "When 
we  get  there  you  call  the  name  in  both  ends  of  the 
car."  When  the  train  whistled  for  the  station 
the  new  man  came  in  the  car.  He  started  to  call 
the  station,  but  had  forgotten  .the  name.  He 
stood  for  a  moment,  then  said,  "  This  is  it,  people ; 
this  is  it." 

There  were  several  prisoners  on  the  train  bound 
for  the  states-prison  at  Little  Rock.  When  we 
got  there  we  all  knew  it.  The  brakeman  came  in 
and  hollered,  "Little  Rock!  Change  clothes.  Four 
years  for  refreshments.  Free  conveyance  to  the 
state  house   with  all  the   latest   improvements." 

When  I  got  off  the  train  I  stepped  into  a  hack, 
and  told  the  driver  to  take  me  to  a  good  hotel.  He 
started  off  with  a  sudden  jerk.  After  he  had  drove 
several  blocks  I  stuck  my  head  out  of  the  door  and 
told  him  not  to  drive  quite  so  fast,  as  I  had  on  a 
pair  of  bad  shoes.  He  said,  "What  has  that  got  to 
do  with  me  driving  fast,  you  having  on  a  pair  of  bad 
shoes  ? "  I  told  him  that  when  he  started  the  bottom 
dropped  out  of  the  hack  and  I  had  been  running  ever 
since. 

Little  Rock  is  a  very  interesting  place.  I  started 
out  to  see  some  of  the  sights.  I  got  on  a  street  car 
to  take  a  ride.  The  car  was  crowded.  I  was 
standing  up  in  the  aisle  holding  on  to  a  strap  when 
the  car  struck  a  short  curve.  I  fell  over  on  a  big, 
fat  lady's  lap.  She  gave  me  a  shove  and  said, 
"What  are  you,  a  Laplander  or  a  Highlander?" 
When  the  conductor  came  in  I  saw  he  was  an  old 
friend  of  mine.     I  thought  I  would  have  a  little  chat 


28         On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

with  him.  I  said,  "It  is  a  nice  day."  He  said, 
"Fair."  I  had  my  nickel  in  my  mouth.  The  car 
came  to  a  sudden  stop  and  I  will  be  darned  if  I 
didn't  swallow  the  nickel.  I  was  in  an  awful  fix. 
I  went  to  see  a  doctor.  He  made  me  cough  up  two 
dollars. 

I  next  visited  the  Court  House.  They  were  try- 
ing a  fellow  for  biting  off  a  man's  ear.  The  judge 
bound  him  over  to  keep  the  piece. 

The  next  one  was  arrested  for  stealing  a  peck 
measure.  The  Judge  asked  him  what  his  business 
was.  He  said  he  was  a  tailor.  The  judge  said, 
"  You  are  discharged.  If  you  are  a  tailor  you  have 
a  right  to  take  any  man's  measure." 

They  brought  another  fellow  in  charged  with 
stealing  nine  bottles  of  beer.  The  judge  told  him 
he  would  have  to  go  back  and  get  the  other  three. 
He  couldn't  make  a  case  out  of  nine. 

The  next  one  came  up  had  been  fighting.  The 
judge  said,  "  What  is  your  name? "  He  said,  "John 
Smith."  "What  is  your  business?"  He  said  he 
was  a  locksmith.  The  judge  said,  "Ten  dollars. 
Locksmith  up." 

A  policeman  brought  in  three  Chinamen  and  an 
Irishman.  The  Chinamen  had  been  smoking  opium. 
The  Irishman  was  booked  for  getting  drunk  and 
disturbing  the  peace.  The  judge  said  to  the  first 
Chinaman,  "What  is  your  name?"  He  said,  "Ah 
Sin."  "Thirty  days."  He  said  to  the  next  China- 
man, "What  is  your  name?"  He  said,  "Ah 
Chung."  "Thirty  days."  He  said  to  the  next 
Chinaman,  "What  is  your  name?"  He  said,  "Ah 
Bung."     "Thirty  days."     The  judge  said  to  the 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw         29 

Irishman,   "What  is  you  name?"     He  said,   "Ah 
Hell,  I  suppose  it  is  thirty  days  anyhow." 


I  think  a  married  woman  should  take  her  name 
from  the  position  her  husband  holds  in  life.  You 
take  a  baker's  wife;  she  should  be  called  Dora.  A 
shoemaker's  wife  should  be  called  Peggie.  A  street 
car  conductor's  wife  you  would  call  her  Carrie.  A 
brewery  man,  he  should  have  a  wife  with  a  cork 
leg ;  then  he  would  get  his  hops  for  nothing.  When 
I  marry  I  am  going  to  call  my  wife  muskmellon, 
then  she  cantaloupe. 


I  had  an  old  friend  living  in  Little  Rock  by  the 
name  of  Work.  I  started  out  to  find  him.  I  was 
standing  on  the  street  corner.  A  policeman  asked 
me  what  I  was  waiting  for.  I  told  him  I  was  look- 
ing for  Work.  He  said,  "If  you  are  looking  for 
work  go  down  to  the  City  Hall  and  you  can  get  a 
job  sweeping  the  streets  if  you  are  out  for  the  dust." 
I  called  him  a  lobster,  then  he  pinched  me. 

I  saw  some  funny  things  happen  while  I  was  in 
Little  Rock.  I  saw  a  runaway  team  come  down  the 
street.  It  ran  into  a  butcher  wagon  and  knocked 
the  liver  right  out  of  it.  Saw  a  fellow  drive  a  team 
over  a  man.  After  he  got  over  him  he  stopped  and 
hollered,  "Look  out!"  The  fellow  said,  "What's 
the  matter?  Are  you  coming  back  again?"  I  saw  a 
fellow  running  down  the  street.  A  policeman  stop- 
ped him  and  asked  him  if  he  was  training  for  a  race. 
He  said,  "No,  he  was  racing  for  a  train." 

Little  Rock  is  noted  for  pretty  girls.  I  met  one 
of  the  first  girls  of  the  town.     That  is,  the  first  as 


3<d         On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

you  drive  in.  Her  name  was  Auto.  I  think  she 
was  from  Mobile.  There  was  one  thing  about  her 
I  didn't  like.  That  was  her  feet.  They  were  just 
as  long  behind  as  they  were  in  front.  You  couldn't 
tell  which  way  she  was  going.  She  was  the  most 
bashful  girl  I  ever  saw.     She  wouldn't  go  by  a 


THE  BASHFUL  GIRL 

lumber  yard  where  there  was  undressed  lumber. 
She  wouldn't  even  wear  a  watch  because  it  had 
hands.  She  wouldn't  look  at  a  band  playing  where 
they  had  a  bass  drum.  She  said  she  wouldn't  stand 
and  see  any  man  beat  his  bearskin.  She  wouldn't 
wear  undressed  kids.  She  even  had  pants  made  for 
the  table  legs.  We  were  out  one  evening  and  she 
exposed  her  ignorance.  We  went  into  where  there 
was  a  soda  water  fountain.     I  called  for  an  egg 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw  31 

phosphate.  She  said  she  would  take  hers  scram- 
bled. We  went  to  the  theater.  We  were  sitting 
up  in  the  gallery,  a  fellow  came  out  on  the  stage 
and  began  to  roll  up  a  carpet.  All  the  boys  began 
to  holler  "Supe!"  She  said,  "They  are  hollering 
'soup,'  let's  go  down  and  get  some."  After  the 
show  I  took  her  home.  We  started  to  play  cards. 
She  held  hearts  and  I  held  diamonds.  Her  father 
came  in.  He  wanted  a  hand.  He  held  clubs.  I 
begged,  he  gave  me  one  right  across  the  head  and 
knocked  me  through  the  window.  I  sashed  right 
through.  I  took  panes  as  I  went  out ;  I  went  right 
by  the  way  of  Glasgow.  I  asked  the  old  man  if 
he  didn't  have  a  full  hand.  He  said  "Why,  so?" 
I  said,  "It  beat  me." 


Speaking  of  love.  There  is  an  object  lesson 
shown  in  making  love.  Very  few  know  the  true  art 
of  making  love.  The  way  a  young  man  should 
make  love  to  his  girl  is  like  this :  He  should  drop 
down  on  his  knees  before  her  and  say : 

"My  Josafine,  my  Kerosine,  my  Gasoline,  my  Benzine,  my 
Vaseline,  I  come  from  above  my  station  without  hesitation 
or  preservation  to  ask  you  to  become  my  relation  so  as  to  in- 
crease the  population  in  this  great  nation." 


CONUNDRUMS. 

Did  you  ever  hear  the   story  about  the  dirty 
window. 

No.     What  is  it? 

No  use  to  tell  it;  you  couldn't  see  through  it. 

What  is  the  best  thing  to  tell  a  woman  ? 

Nothing. 

It's  all  over  the  house. 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw  33 

What? 

The  roof. 

What  is  the  best  way  to  make  a  slow  horse  fast? 

Tie  him  to  a  post. 

Johnson  got  arrested  for  stealing  a  pig. 

How  did  they  know  he  stole  it? 

The  pig  squealed  on  him. 

That  sticks  you. 

What? 

Pin. 

That  lets  you  out. 

What? 

The  door. 


I  was  invited  to  a  party.  I  remember  they  played 
several  games,  one  they  call,  "  Heavy,  heavy  hangs 
over  your  head."  Some  one  hung  a  baseball  bat 
over  my  head.  They  played  a  game  called  pins  and 
needles.  There  is  a  game  you  can  get  stuck  at  every 
time.  You  can  get  lots  of  pointers.  They  played 
a  game  called  "Kissen." 

Did  you  ever  play  that  game?  To  kiss  a  young 
lady  it  costs  you  fifty  cents.  To  kiss  a  married  lady 
it  costs  twenty-five  cents.  Old  maids  three  for  ten. 
Then  we  played  that  game  called  Christmas.  That 
is  where  everybody  hangs  up  their  stockings.  The 
first  stocking  belonged  to  a  young  lady  from  Boston. 
She  got  in  her  stockings  two  lead  pencils,  and, 
strange  to  say,  they  just  fit.  The  next  was  a 
young  lady  from  Cincinnati.  She  got  in  her  stock- 
ings a  bushel  of  potatoes.  Strange  to  say,  it  just 
fit.  The  next  was  a  young  lady  from  St.  Louis. 
She  got  in  her  stockings  a  barrel  of  flour,  and, 
strange  to  say,  it  just  fit.     The  next  one  belonged 


34         On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

to  a  Little  Rock  girl.  She  got  in  her  stockings  a 
ton  of  coal,  and  strange  to  say,  it  just  fit.  Next 
came  me.  I  didn't  know  they  were  going  to  play 
that  game.  I  didn't  have  on  any  stockings,  so 
I  hung  up  my  pants.  I  must  have  got  a  man  in 
them,  for  I  had  to  go  home  in  a  barrel,  and  I  think 
they  just  fit,  for  I  haven't  seen  them  since. 

Everybody  had  to  recite  a  piece  of  poetry.  The 
first  one  started  off  something  like  this: 

"  Tis  sweet  to  see  a  bumble-bee 
When  ere  you  go  a  fishing, 
But  if  you  sit  right  down  on  him, 
He  will  change  your  disposition." 

And  the  next  one: 

"The  rose  is  red,  the  violet's  blue, 
"Where  you  see  three  balls  you  will  see  a  Jew." 

The  next  took  a  young  lady  for  a  subject  and  said : 

"Young  lady  enters  car, 
Ten  men  stands  up,  and  thar  you  are." 

The  next  one  took  an  old  maid  for  a  subject: 

"Old  maid  enters  car, 
Nary  man  stands  up,  and  thar  you  are." 

It  came  my  turn  next.     I  said: 

"Whenever  I  marry  it  will  not  be  for  love  or  riches, 
But  I'll  marry  a  girl  that  is  six  feet  tall  so  she  can  wear  the 
breeches." 

I  met  the  Little  family  while  I  was  down  there. 
There  is  Mr.  Little  and  Mrs.  Little,  and  they  have 
five  children.  Mr.  Little  only  gets  four  dollars  a 
week,  and  I  asked  him  how  he  managed  to  keep 
such  a  large  family  on  such  a  small  salary,  and 
he  said  every  Little  helped. 

I  had  an  old  friend  living  in  Little  Rock  by  the 
name  of  Burnside.  They  said  he  lived  over  on  the 
North  side.    ,1  went  over  to  the  North  side  to  see 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw  35 

Burnside.  When  I  got  over  to  the  North  side  they 
said  Burnside  had  moved  to  the  Southside.  When 
I  got  to  the  South  side  they  said  he  had  gone  to  the 
West  side.  When  I  got  to  the  West  side  they  said  he 
had  gone  over  to  the  East  side.  I  went  over  to  the 
East  side,  they  told  me  he  had  gone  back  to  the 
North  side.  I  went  to  where  he  did  reside  and 
knocked  on  the  outside.  They  opened  the  door  on 
the  inside,  I  inquired  for  Burnside.  They  said  he 
he  had  died.  Then  I  cried.  That's  about  all  I 
know  about  Burnside. 


Me  and  your  brother  and  another  fellow  were 
choosing  the  other  day  what  kind  of  wife  we  would 
like  to  have  in  case  we  got  married.  Your  brother 
said  when  he  got  married  he  wanted  a  wife  that  was 
like  a  Bible. 

Why  did  he  want  a  wife  like  a  Bible? 

Because  she  would  be  seldom  looked  at. 

The  other  fellow  said  he  wanted  a  wife  that  was 
like  a  piano. 

Why  did  he  want  a  wife  like  a  piano? 

Because  she  would  be  upright  and  grand. 

I  said  when  I  got  married  I  wanted  a  wife  that 
was  like  an  almanac. 

Why  did  you  want  a  wife  like  an  almanac? 

Because  I  could  get  a  new  one  every  year. 

How  is  your  brother,  the  one  we  used  to  call 
Sponge?  The  reason  we  called  him  Sponge,  he 
used  to  be  all  the  time  soaked. 

How  is  your  brother,  the  one  that  steals? 

I  want  you  to  understand,  sir,  that  my  brother 
don't  steal. 

Yes  he  does  steal,  and  I  can  prove  it. 


36         On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

Well,  then,  prove  it. 

The  other  night  me  and  your  brother  was  invited 
down  to  the  festival.  We  were  awful  hungry;  your 
brother  was  so  hungry  he  couldn't  wait ;  at  exactly 
sixty  minutes  past  seven  he  eight  a  clock.  All  the 
nice  silverware  was  spread  out  on  the  table.  Your 
brother  stole  a  spoon  and  put  it  in  his  boot.  They 
kept  watching  so  I  couldn't  get  any ;  determined  not 


AT  THE  CIRCUS 

to  be  outdone  by  your  brother,  I  picked  up  a  spoon, 
held  it  up  in  my  hands  and  said,  "  Ladies  and  gentle- 
men, I  will  show  you  a  trick.' '  I  put  the  spoon  in 
my  inside  pocket  and  said,  "  Now  you  will  find  it  over 
there  in  that  nigger's  boot."  They  caught  your 
brother  and  took  the  spoon  away  from  him. 

There  was  a  circus  in  town  while  I  was  there.     I 
took  my  girl  and  went  out  to  see  it.     All  the  boys 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw  37 

and  girls  were  there.  I  saw  one  fellow  take  his  girl 
up  to  a  lemonade  stand  and  buy  one  glass  of  red 
lemonade.  He  drank  half  of  it,  passed  it  over  to 
his  girl  she  drank  the  other  half.  I  saw  another 
fellow  and  his  girl.  He  bought  one  dish  of  ice 
cream  and  got  two  spoons.  When  we  came  to  the 
elephant  my  girl  asked  me  what  that  big  thing 
was  hanging  down  in  front.  I  said,  "That  is  his 
trunk."  She  said,  "  It  is  a  wonder  he  wouldn't  open 
it  and  put  on  a  clean  shirt."  She  said,  "If  that 
big  thing  in  front  is  his  trunk,  that  little  thing  be- 
hind (meaning  his  tail),  must  be  his  valise."  There 
was  a  lady  and  a  little  boy  right  next  to  me.  When 
they  got  to  the  cage  where  the  baboon  was  the  little 
boy  said,  "Oh,  mamma,  look  at  papa."  When  I 
came  out  a  messenger  boy  came  up  to  me  and  said 
he  was  looking  for  L.  E.  Fant.  I  told  him  there  were 
several  L.  E.  Fants  in  the  tent. 

When  the  circus  got  ready  to  leave  town  the  rail- 
road company  refused  to  take  the  elephants  because 
they  could  not  get  their  trunks  checked. 

I  was  standing  on  the  street  corner.  There  was 
a  funeral  procession  going  by.  It  was  an  awful  long 
procession.  There  must  have  been  at  least  fifty  car- 
riages in  line.  There  was  a  couple  of  railroad  men 
standing  along  side  of  me.  One  was  a  brakeman  the 
other  an  engineer.  The  brakeman  said  to  the  en- 
gineer, "  Who  is  dead?  It  must  be  some  prominent 
person."  The  engineer  said,  "No,  it  is  just  a  rail- 
road man."  He  said,  "  It  must  be  an  official  then." 
The  engineer  said,  "No,  it  is  just  one  of  our  engi- 
neers." The  brakeman  said,  "  Well,  if  he  ever  looks 
back  and  sees  all  that  string  behind  him  he  will 
double  into  the  cemetery." 


38  On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

I  met  an  old  friend  of  mine  I  hadn't  seen  for  a 
good  many  years.  We  used  to  be  boys  together.  It 
was  indeed  a  pleasure  to  talk  of  old  times.  When 
we  used  to  go  out  in  the  fields  and  see  the  grasshop- 
pers making  grass,  and  see  the  butterflies  making 
butter,  see  the  caterpillars  making  cats  and  watch 
the  bumble  bees  making  bums.  He  said,  "  Don't 
you  remember  when  you  used  to  come  by  the  old  vil- 
lage blacksmith  shop  and  see  me  there  shooing  flies?" 
I  said,  "  Yes,  don't  you  remember  when  we  used  to 
go  out  and  make  mud  pies  and  you  used  to  eat  'em?" 
I  remember  when  we  went  to  school  the  boys  used 
to  call  you  big  head.  You  came  in  the  house  one 
day  crying  and  told  the  teacher  the  boys  had  been 
calling  you  big  head.  She  said,  "I  wouldn't  mind 
that,  Willie,  there  is  nothing  in  it." 

My  friend  looked  as  though  he  had  seen  better 
days.  He  looked  as  though  liquor  had  gotten  the 
best  of  him.  I  asked  him  in  to  have  a  drink  with 
me.  We  ordered  our  drinks.  He  poured  his  out 
and  held  it  up  in  his  hand  and  said : 

"This  is  what  makes  me  wear  old  clothes, 
Lie,  beg  and  steal; 
Get  out  in  the  street  and  much  a  meal ; 
Dig  down  in  my  pocket  and  spend  my  last  dime, 
And  wear  my  summer  clothes  in  the  winter  time." 

After  we  had  talked  over  old  times  for  a  few  min- 
utes he  said,  "  Well,  have  one  with  me."  We  called 
for  another  drink ;  he  threw  a  dollar  on  the  bar  and 
said: 

"  Bright  silver  dollar,  gleaming  there  all  alone, 
All  your  boon  companions  have  been  spent  and  gone. 
The  most  useful  money  ever  issued,  that  is  true; 
All  the  rest  has  gone  for  liquor,  so  I  will  just  spend  you." 

Me  and  my  friend  walked  out  and  were  strolling 
leisurely  along  the  street  when  the  fire  bell  rang. 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw         39 

People  ran  pell-mell  from  all  directions.  The  fire 
engine  came  tearing  down  the  street.  Only  a  short 
distance  away  we  saw  a  large  building  all  in  flames. 
We  rushed  to  the  spot.  I  heard  a  scream ;  I  looked 
up  and  saw  standing  in  a  window  a  young  girl  wring- 
ing her  hands  and  begging  to  be  saved.  Every 
avenue  of  escape  was  gone.  I  was  horrified.  I  fell 
back  dumbfounded  and  stared ;  my  friend  he  stared ; 
that  made  a  pair  of  stairers;  the  girl  walked  down 
the  stairs  and  went  home. 

When  I  left  Little  Rock  my  next  stop  was  Hot 
Springs.  We  made  pretty  good  time  on  that  road. 
The  waiter  came  in  and  hollered,  "  First  and  last 
call  for  dinner  in  the  dining  car!  The  first  car  in 
the  rear.  The  only  car.  All  those  wishing  to  shake 
hands  with  the  knife  and  fork  will  please  walk 
back!"  I  proceeded  to  the  dinner.  There  was  a 
fellow  sitting  at  the  table  with  me.  It  was  very 
evident  from  the  way  he  acted  he  hadn't  been  ac- 
customed to  eating  in  a  dining  car.  I  looked  over 
the  bill  of  fare.  The  waiter  asked  me  what  I  would 
have.  I  said, ' '  Immaterial. ' '  He  said  he  would  take 
the  same.  A  fellow  sitting  at  the  next  table  ordered 
turkey.  ^When  the  waiter  brought  it  in  he  was 
carrying  it  on  a  tray  filled  with  dishes.  The  train 
struck  a  sharp  curve.  He  slipped  and  fell  and  broke 
all  the  dishes.  The  colored  waiter  was  lying  on  the 
floor.  The  conductor  said,  " Look  here,  sir,  you  have 
created  an  international  disturbance.  This  is  the 
downfall  of  Africa,  the  spilling  of  Greece,  the  over- 
throw of  Turkey  and  the  breaking  up  of  China." 
The  waiter  began  to  cry.  He  said  it  was  the  first 
time  he  ever  had  a  tray  full  beat. 

The  waiter  brought  me  a  steak.    It  was  so  tough 


40         On  A  Sloiv  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

I  couldn't  stick  my  fork  in  the  gravy.     I  held  it  up 
and  said: 

"Old  ox,  old  ox!     How  came  you  here? 
You  have  plowed  the  fields  for  many  a  year. 
You  have  been  kicked  and  cuffed  with  great  abuse, 
And  now  brought  here  for  the  railroad's  use." 

There  was  a  gambler  on  the  train.  He  was  a 
full-fledged  gambler.  He  wanted  to  bet  with  every- 
body.    He  wanted  to  bet  with  me.     He  said,  "  I  will 


BIG  WRECK 

bet  you  this  train  gets  in  late."  I  told  him  no,  I 
wouldn't  bet.  He  said,  "  I  bet  you  it  gets  in  ahead 
of  time."  I  said,  "  No ! "  Then  he  said,  "  I  bet  you  it 
don't  get  in  at  all."  We  ran  a  little  way  further  and 
had  a  big  wreck.  The  car  we  were  in  was  smashed 
all  to  pieces.  I  went  up  in  the  air  about  fifty  feet. 
When  I  was  coming  down  I  met  the  gambler  going 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw  41 

up  with  his  valise  in  his  hand.  When  he  passed  me 
he  said,  "  I  bet  you  five  dollars  I  go  higher  than  you 
did." 

I  had  heard  a  great  deal  about  Hot  Springs  before 
I  got  there.  Most  everybody  has  heard  of  Hot 
Springs.  That  is  a  great  place  to  go  and  get  cured 
of  rheumatism.  Most  everybody  that  comes  to  Hot 
vSprings  is  a  cripple  in  some  way  or  the  other,  I 
never  saw  so  many  crippled  people  in  my  life. 
Twisted  arms  and  legs.  I  met  a  cross-eyed  man. 
He  looked  crooked.  I  imagined  I  was  in  Cripple 
Creek.  At  the  hotel  I  stopped  at  they  told  me  they 
hadn't  bought  any  wood  for  ten  years.  The  crip- 
ples that  had  come  there  and  been  cured  had  left 
crutches  enough  to  keep  them  in  wood. 

I  was  sick  while  I  was  there.  I  couldn't  eat  any- 
thing. After  I  had  gone  to  every  house  in  town  they 
wouldn't  let  me  eat.  A  particular  friend  of  mine 
came  to  me  and  advised  me  to  leave  town.  He  was 
the  chief  of  police.  I  felt  so  bad  I  went  to  see  a 
doctor.  He  said,  "  Do  you  want  to  be  treated? "  I 
said, ' '  Yes.  That  is,  if  you  have  it  here  in  the  office. ' ' 
He  said,  "You  don't  understand  me.  I  will  ex- 
amine you  thoroughly  for  twenty  dollars."  I  said, 
"All  right,  go  ahead,  but  if  you  find  it  I  want  ten  of 
it."  After  he  had  examined  me  he  said,  "  You  want 
to  get  glasses  and  wear  them."  I  went  down  to  a 
place  where  they  use  glasses.  I'd  taken  three,  I 
believe  it  was,  when  I'd  started  out.  A  fellow  said, 
V  Have  another  one  with  me."  I  did  and  felt  better, 
too.  The  next  day  I  felt  sick  again.  Went  to  see 
another  doctor.  He  asked  me  what  I  had  been 
eating.     I  told  him,  "Nothing,  only  some  honey." 

He  said,  "You  have  got  the  hives/' 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw  43 

He  would  have  been  a  good  doctor  but  he  didn't 
have  the  patients.  He  told  me  that  I  would  have  to 
take  something.  He  said,  "  Go  take  something  right 
away."  I  went  down  the  street.  I  saw  a  drunken 
man.  I  took  his  watch.  That  was  about  all  he  had 
with  him.  They  had  me  arrested.  When  they 
caught  me  the  watch  was  still  going.  I  went  to  see 
a  lawyer.     He  got  the  case;  I  got  the  works. 

Hot  Springs  is  a  very  warm  place.  You  hear 
everybody  talk  about  coming  there  to  get  boiled  out. 
There  is  nothing  under  a  hundred  in  the  shade  that 
would  interest  a  man  there  at  all.  The  word  zero  is 
unknown.  It  is  so  hot  there  in  the  summer  time 
the  hens  lay  hard  boiled  eggs.  I  had  a  dream  down 
there.  Dreamt  I  died,  then  the  heat  woke  me  up. 
There  are  some  peculiar  things  about  the  climate 
there.  You  can't  raise  water  melons.  The  vines 
grow  so  fast  it  wears  the  little  ones  off  on  the 
ground.  I  went  out  with  a  fellow  to  plant  cucum- 
bers. The  first  thing  I  knew  I  was  all  tangled  up  in 
the  vines.  Ran  my  hand  in  my  pocket  to  get  a  knife 
to  cut  the  vines  and  pulled  out  a  cucumber  a  foot 
long. 

I  was  arrested  for  carrying  concealed  weapons. 
They  took  me  before  the  judge  and  searched  me.  All 
they  found  was  a  yeast  cake.  They  fined  me  ten 
dollars.  I  said,  "  Judge,  that  isn't  concealed  wea- 
pons." He  said,  "It's  a  kind  of  a  raiser."  I  said 
11  Give  me  the  yeast  cake  and  I  will  go  out  and  see  if 
I  can  raise  the  dough." 

I  couldn't  make  the  raise,  so  I  wrote  home  for 
money.     I  said: 


44  On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaiv 

Dear  Father: 

Roses  are  red,  violets  are  blue, 

Send  me  ten  dollars  and  I  will  owe  you. 

The  answer  came  something  like  this: 

Roses  are  red,  roses  are  pink, 

Inclosed  you  will  find  ten  dollars,  I  don't  think. 

They  brought  in  a  colored  fellow  for  cutting 
another  colored  man.  The  judge  said,  "What  did 
you  cut  that  man  for ? "  He  said,  "  I  tell  you,  judge, 
he  had  been  sayin'  some  things  'bout  me;  when  I 
axed  him  'bout  it  he  said  he  was  a  hot  coon  from 
Cynthy,  but  when  I  slit  him  up  de  back  wif  my 
rahzar  I  don't  think  he  was  so  warm."  The  judge 
said,  "A  little  louder."  He  said,  "Yo  heerd  me." 
The  judge  said,  "Six  months."  He  said,  "What's 
that?"     The  judge  said,  "You  heard  me." 

They  next  brought  in  a  tramp.  He  had  been  ar- 
rested for  sleeping  in  a  coal  house.  The  judge  asked 
him  if  he  didn't  find  that  a  pretty  hard  bed.  He 
said  no,  it  was  soft  coal.  The  judge  said,  "  What  is 
your  business?"  He  said  he  was  a  rough  rider. 
The  judge  said,  "Where  did  you  ever  do  any  rough 
riding? "  He  said  on  the  Missouri  &  Pacific  railroad. 
The  judge  asked  him  if  he  ever  worked.  He  said 
once.  "What  did  you  do?"  He  said  he  "layed 
over  a  s!:y light  to  keep  the  sun  out."  "Who  are 
you?"  "My  father  was  a  hero,  my  mother  was  a 
shero,  and  I  am  a  hobo."  The  judge  said,  "I  sen- 
tenced you  to  jail  for  thirty  days  for  setting  fire  to  a 
rock  quarry."  He  said,  "  I  refuse  to  go.  Bring  the 
jail  to  me." 


I  received  a  letter  from  a  cousin  of  mine  in  Klon- 
dike.    It  read  something  like  this: 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw  45 

Klondike,  Septuber, 
The  17th.  Soktober,  No  Vonder, 

My  Dear  Cousin: — 

I  take  my  pen  in  hand  to  let  you  know  that  we 
don't  live  where  we  did,  but  we  live  where  we  have 
moved.  Your  uncle,  whom  you  love  so  well,  is  dead. 
Hoping  this  will  find  you  just  the  same.  When  he 
died  he  left  you  $15,000.  We  will  send  it  to  you 
just  as  quick  as  we  can  find  it.  He  also  willed  you 
$50,000  you  are  to  get  when  Dawson  City  dies. 
They  don't  know  the  cause  of  his  death,  only  that 
all  of  his  breath  leaked  out.  The  doctor  gave  up 
all  hopes  of  saving  him  when  he  died.  Your  aunt 
is  also  dead.  When  she  died  she  left  $50,000  sewed 
up  in  her  bustle.  What  a  lot  of  money  to  leave 
behind.  We  have  all  got  the  mumps,  we  are  having 
a  swell  time.  I  sent  you  your  black  overcoat,  and  to 
save  the  express  charges  I  cut  off  the  buttons. 
You  will  find  them  in  the  inside  pocket.  Mother 
is  making  sausages.  All  the  neighbors  are  looking 
for  their  dogs.  Father  is  not  in  the  pocket-book  busi- 
ness any  more.  He  has  gone  into  the  stocking  busi- 
ness. They  say  there  is  more  money  in  stockings  these 
days  than  pocket  books.  Your  girl,  whom  you 
thought  was  dead  and  in  Heaven,  is  alive  and  in 
Hell-ene,  Montana.  Her  father  said  if  you  don't 
send  him  that  forty  cents  you  owe  him  he  will 
scratch  your  nails  out  with  his  eyes.  The  Damn 
family  is  still  living  at  the  same  old  place.  Old 
man  Damn  is  sick.  The  old  lady  Damn  is  also 
sick.  The  whole  Damn  family  is  sick.  As  I  have 
nothing  more  to  write  I  will  close — my  face. 

P.  S. — If  you  don't  get  this  let  me  know  and  I  will 
write  again. 


46 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 


A  coon  that  has  lost  his  home,  in  other  words, 
his  meal  ticket.  He  goes  up  and  knocks  on  his 
girl's  door. 

She  says,  "Who's  dar?" 

"It's  me  honey." 

"Who's  me?" 

"  It's  yo'  Charlie.     Com  open  de  door,  hun.M 

"What  do  yo'  want?" 


■^A^44^ 


A  COON  THAT  HAS  LOST  HIS  HOME 

"  I  just  want  to  tell  yo'  how  much  I  luv's  yo\" 
"  Yo'  had  better  tell  it  through  de  door  den,  fo' 
I'se  done  got  a  good  job  cooking  fo'  de  white  folks. 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw         47 

I  gets  three  dollars  a  week.  I  ain't  gwine  to  'low 
yo'  to  com  between  me  and  my  work." 

"Say,  honey,  let  me  in.  It's  cold  out  here,  and 
it's  snowin'." 

"  Yo'  knowed  it  was  cold  befo'  yo'  went  out  dar. 
I  tole  yo'  'way  long  last  summer  when  yo'  was  layin' 
round  here  dat  winter  was  comin'  on." 

"Say,  honey,  if  yo'  will  just  let  me  in  I  will  git  a 
job  and  I'll  work  all  de  time." 

"Niggah,  I'se  done  tole  yo'  I  wasn't  gwine  to  let 
yo'  sip'rate  me  from  my  work." 

"Just  stick  yo'  head  over  de  transom  den,  and  let 
me  tell  yo'  how  much  I  luv's  yo'." 

"  I  ain't  gwine  to  stick  my  head  out  at  no  transom, 
for  I  knows  yo'  is  fixin'  to  bounce  a  rock  on  it." 

"I  tell  yo'  it  is  cold  out  here,  and  I  wants  in." 

"  If  it  is  too  cold  out  dar  yo'  had  better  make  some 
'rangements  wif  de  wedder." 

"Look  here  now,  I'se  gittin'  mad.  If  yo'  don't 
open  dat  door  I'se  gwine  to  kick  it  down." 

Another  nigger  on  the  inside  says,  "Say,  Liza, 
gimme  my  hat.     I'se  gwine  to  go." 

"What  yo'  want  to  go  for?  It  ain't  nobody  but 
Charlie,  and  yo'  is  twice  as  big  as  him." 

"  Yes,  but  Charlie  carries  de  diffunce  'round  in  his 
pocket." 

"  Yo'  better  not  jump  out  of  dat  window,  niggah. 
Dar's  a  bull  dog  in  dat  back  yard." 

"I  doan'  care  if  dar's  a  yard  full  of  bull  dogs." 

"Why  doan'  yo'  go  out  de  front  way?  Dar's  no- 
body out  dar  but  Charlie,  and  he's  only  one." 

"  Yo'  ain't  counted  Charlie  lately." 

"  Go  on  out  de  front  way.  Charlie  ain't  gwine  to 
bodder  yo\" 


48         On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arhansaiv 

"  If  I  go  out  de  front  way  de'll  be  walkin'  slow  be- 
hind me  tomorrow. " 

"  Look  here,  if  yo'  doan  open  this  door  I'll  kick  it 
down,  and  I'll  bust  de  nose  off  yo'  face." 

"  I  bet  if  yo'  do,  yo*  will  run  ever'  time  yo'  sees  a 
nose,  and  yo'  will  run  so  fas'  yo'  ankles  '11  git  so  hot 
dey  will  burn  yo'  legs  up." 


I  was  walking  up  the  street.  I  heard  a  little 
bird  singing.  I  said  to  myself,  "That  little  bird  is 
singing  for  me."  A  fellow  behind  me  said  it  was 
singing  for  him.  I  said,  "  No,  it  is  singing  for  me." 
He  hit  me  and  I  hit  him.  A  policeman  arrested  us ; 
took  us  up  before  the  judge.  He  asked  me  what 
I  had  to  say.  I  said  I  was  walking  up  the  street  and 
I  heard  a  little  bird  singing.  I  said  it  was  singing 
for  me.  He  said  it  was  singing  for  him.  He  hit  me 
and  I  hit  him.  The  judge  said,  "Ten  dollars  each. 
It  wasn't  singing  for  either  one  of  you.  It  was 
singing  for  me." 

I  just  had  five  dollars  left ;  went  in  a  restaurant ; 
bought  a  five  dollar  meal  ticket;  came  out  on  the 
sidewalk ;  was  counting  up  how  many  meals  I  could 
eat  when  the  fire  bell  rang.  A  big  fellow  ran  against 
me;  knocked  my  meal  ticket  down  on  the  side- 
walk and  stepped  on  it.  He  had  nails  in  his  boots 
and  punched  out  four  dollars  and  eighty  cents. 

I  was  walking  up  the  street.  Saw  a  basket  of 
eggs  setting  in  front  of  a  store.  I  never  wanted  an 
egg  so  bad  in  my  life.  I  picked  up  an  egg  and  started 
up  the  street.  The  man  that  owned  the  egg  saw  me, 
and  was  coming  right  behind  me.  Didn't  want  him 
to  catch  me  with  the  egg,  so  I  put  it  in  my  mouth, 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansdw        46 

He  walked  up  and  slapped  me  on  the  back.  Well, 
I'll  be  darned  if  I  didn't  swallow  the  egg.  I  was  in 
an  awful  fix.  I  was  afraid  to  move  around  for  fear 
the  egg  would  break.  I  was  afraid  to  stand  still  for 
fear  it  would  hatch. 

I  went  to  church.  Just  as  they  arose  to  sing  the 
closing  hymn  somebody  hollered  fire.  In  the  ex- 
citement I  jumped  out  of  a  window  and  was  ar- 
rested for  making  a  dive  out  of  a  church. 

A  gambler  went  into  a  pawn  shop  to  borrow 
some  money.  He  was  well  acquainted  with  the  Jew 
that  ran  the  place.  He  told  the  Jew  he  would  like  to 
borrow  fifty  dollars  for  a  few  days  and  would  give 
him  his  note.  He  let  him  have  the  money.  When 
the  note  became  due  the  gambler  went  in  and  told 
him  that  he  had  been  playing  in  some  hard  luck  and 
didn't  have  the  money  at  present,  but  would  have  it 
in  a  few  days  and  would  come  around  and  pay  him. 
The  Jew  said,  "Veil,  I  haf  your  note,  I  vant  my 
money."  The  fellow  said,  "  I  haven't  got  it.  I  can't 
pay  you  until  I  get  it."  The  Jew  said,  "Veil,  but  I 
haf  your  note.  I  vant  my  money.  Here  vas  your 
note."  The  fellow  got  mad,  pulled  out  a  pistol 
pointed  it  at  the  Jew's  head,  and  said,  "  You  eat  that 
note  or  I  will  kill  you."  The  Jew  ate  the  note.  In 
a  few  days  the  gambler  got  the  money;  came 
around  and  paid  him.  The  Jew  said,  "You  vas 
a  good  fellow,  you  vas  all  right.  Whenever  you  vant 
any  more  money  come  to  me."  In  a  few  days  the 
fellow  wanted  to  borrow  some  more  money.  He 
came  to  the  Jew;  told  him  he  would  like  to  give 
his  note  for  fifty  dollars  for  a  few  days.  He  said, 
all  right.     He  started  to  write  it  out.    The  Jew  said, 


50        On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

"Mine  friend,  vait  a  minute.     Vould  you  just  as 
soon  write  it  on  a  ginger  snap?" 


I  saw  a  fellow  hit  a  Jew  and  knock  him  down. 
The  Jew  got  up  and  said,  "  Do  it  again.' '  The  fellow 
knocked  him  down  again.     The  Jew  got  up  and  said 


HE  SAID  'HIT  ME  AGAIN" 


*Do  it  again."  The  fellow  knocked  him  down 
again.  A  policeman  came  up  and  arrested  them. 
He  said  to  the  Jew,  "  What  did  you  want  that  fellow 
to  keep  knocking  you  down  for?"  The  Jew  said, 
"Because  every  time  he  hit  me  I  saw  a  diamond/' 


I  saw  many  comical  things  among  the  colored 
people  in  Hot  Springs.     I  was  strolling  through  the 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw        51 

suburbs  of  the  town  one  day  and  I  heard  an  old  col- 
ored woman  say,  "  Look  here,  'Liza,  you  better  come 
away  from  that  straw  stack  you  will  git  de  hay 
fever.     Cum  in  de  house  and  scum  dem  lasses,  yo' 


A  WAY  DOWN  SOUTH 

better  not  spill  any  either.     If  yo'  does  I'll  stomp 
yo'  in  de  ground 

"  Look  heah,  you  George  Washington,  what  I  done 
already  tole  you  'bout  being  round  heah  Sunday 
mawnin'  bar  futed?  Chile,  yo'  know  don't  who  yo' 
is  named  aftah.     Yo'  Authur  cum  heah  and  quit  yp' 


52         On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

playing  wid  dem  poor  white  trash.  Dey  lick  de 
'lasses  off  your  hand  den  call  yo'  nigger." 

There  was  a  young  colored  fellow  coming  down 
the  street.  He  had  just  got  a  new  watch.  He  saw 
another  colored  fellow  he  knew  coming.  He  wanted 
the  other  fellow  to  know  he  had  a  new  watch.  The 
other  fellow  said  to  him,  "Whar  is  yo'  gwine?" 
"  Whar  is  I  gwine?  I'se  gwine  just  whar  I'se  gwine, 
dat  whar  I'se  gwine.  Ef  yo'  wants  a  watch,  go  buy 
yo'se'f  a  watch  and  doan'  cum  foolin'  wid  a  gentle- 
man on  de  street."  "Look  hare.  Yo'  better  hush 
up  and  quit  yo'  foolin'  and  go  on.  De  fust  ting  yo' 
knows  I'se  gwine  to  cut  yo'  to  de  fat." 

I  overheard  a  conversation  between  two  old  col- 
ored ladies  that  met  on  the  street  going  in  opposite 
directions.  Neither  one  stopped.  They  said : '  *  Good 
evenin',  Mrs.  Jones."  "Good  evening  Mrs.  Brown." 
" How's  all  yo'  folks?"  "All  our  folks  is  well  'cept 
Sam  and  Sam  he's  got  de  lumbago."  "  De  lumbago? 
De  good  God.  Che-he-he-ha-ha-hah.  Yo'  all  cum 
down  sometime."  "We  will,  thank  yo'.  Yo'  all 
cum  down  too. ' '     ' '  Bough-hu-wah-hah-ge  he  he  he. " 

Down  there  the  colored  people  have  a  new  way  of 
learning  their  children  at  school.  They  just  say, 
' !  Ta-rar-rar-da-boom-de-a.  Ta-rar-rar-da-boom-de- 
b.  Ta-rar-rar-da-boom-de-c.  Ta-rar-rar-da-boom- 
de-d." 

I  met  a  colored  man  there  from  Chicago.  He  said 
he  didn't  like  it  down  south.  He  said  the  people 
there  let  you  know  you  are  colored.  He  said  in 
Chicago  you  don't  know  you  are  colored  unless  you 
look  in  the  glass. 

I  was  sitting  in  front  of  a  hotel  when  an  old  man 
drove  up  and  asked  the  landlord  if  he  wanted  to  buy 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw         53 

some  fresh  country  butter.  He  said,  "  Wait  a  min- 
ute and  I  will  ask  my  wife."  He  went  to  the  tele- 
phone and  asked  his  wife  if  she  wanted  to  buy  some 
butter.  When  he  came  back  the  old  man  said,  "  I 
know  I  look  pretty  green,  but  if  you  think  you  can 
make  me  believe  your  wife  is  in  that  little  box  you 
are  badly  mistaken/' 

I  saw  a  tramp  go  up  to  a  house  and  knock  on  the 
door.  When  the  lady  opened  the  door  the  tramp 
asked  her  if  she  would  give  him  something  to  eat. 
She  brought  out  some  dry  bread  and  told  him  that 
was  all  she  had  and  would  give  it  to  him  for  God's 
sake.  He  asked  her  if  she  wouldn't  V  Put  some  but- 
ter on  it  for  Christ's  sake." 

I  stopped  at  a  place  where  they  were  raising  a  sub- 
scription for  the  purpose  of  fencing  in  a  cemetery. 
Every  one  had  donated  very  liberally  except  one 
fellow.  He  was  opposed  to  fencing  it  in  for  two  rea- 
sons. He  said,  "  In  the  first  place  there  was  no  one 
in  the  graveyard  that  could  get  out ;  in  the  second 
place  there  was  no  one  out  that  wanted  to  get  in." 

There  was  a  stuttering  man  running  a  blacksmith 
shop.  Another  stuttering  man  went  into  the  shop 
who  wanted  to  learn  the  blacksmith  trade.  The 
blacksmith  heated  a  horse  shoe  red  hot  He  told 
the  other  stuttering  fellow  to  hit  it.  He  said,  "  Wha- 
wha-wha-wha-wha-when-  nau  -  nau  -  nau  -  nau  -  now  ? ' ' 
The  blacksmith  said,  "  Nau-nau-nau-nau-nau-not- 
now.     It-it-it-is-is-is-co-co-co  -cold. ' ' 

Dr.  Brown  went  out  in  the  country.  He  fell  in  a 
well  and  was  drowned.  They  got  him  out  and 
brought  him  back  to  town.  The  people  didn't  show 
him  a  bit  of  sympathy.  They  said  he  ought  to  have 
been  attending  to  the  sick,  and  let  the  well  alone, 


54         On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansatv 

While  I  was  down  there  a  fellow  accused  me  of 
stealing  his  shirt  and  pawningit.  "Yes,"  hesaid,  "you 
stole  my  shirt  arid  pawned  it."  I  said,  "  No,  I  didn't 
steal  your  shirt  and  pawn  it,  and  I  can  prove  it." 
He  said,  "Well,  then  prove  it."  I  unbuttoned  my 
vest  and  showed  him  his  shirt,  and  I  proved  to  him  I 
hadn't  pawned  it. 

It  is  remarkable  how  many  shirts  you  can  get  out 
of  one  yard,  providing  you  get  in  the  right  yard. 


"  I  was  down  by  your  house  today." 
"Why  didn't  you  come  in?" 
"  I  would,  only  I  didn't  know  where  you  lived." 
"  I  met  you  on  the  street  today." 
"Why  didn't  you  speak  to  me?" 
"I  would,  but  I  didn't  know  you." 
"Who  was  that  lady  I  saw  you  with?" 
"That  wasn't  a  lady,  that  was  my  wife." 
"I  never  see  you  any  more,  where  do  you  keep 
yourself?" 

"Up  at  the  butcher  shop." 

"There  ain't  no  fun  at  the  butcher  shop." 

"They  are  all  the  time  cutting  up." 

"How  is  your  wife?" 

"She's  in  good  spirits." 

"She  is?" 

"Yes,  she's  dead." 

"  I  thought  you  just  said  she  was  in  good  spirits? " 

"She  is.     She's  preserved  in  alcohol." 

"How  is  your  wife?" 

"  She  is  sick  lying  at  death's  door.     I  went  to  see 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw         55 

a  doctor;  he  said  he  thought  he  could  pull  her 
through." 

"  Have  you  any  children  ?" 

"Five." 

"All  living?" 

"Three  are." 

"Where  are  the  other  two?" 

"They  are  in  Omaha." 

"  Have  you  any  children? " 

"One  cute  little  boy,  and  he  looks  just  like  me." 

"  Well,  I  wouldn't  let  that  worry  me,  if  I  was  you. 
The  boy  can't  help  it.  Probably  he  will  grow  over 
it." 

"  Do  you  remember  that  little  dog  of  mine?  He 
is  dead." 

"I  suppose  he  died  the  same  old  way,  swallowed 
a  tape  line  and  died  by  inches?" 

"  Oh,  no.  He  went  up  the  alley  and  died  by  the 
yard." 

"  There  has  been  a  remarkable  thing  happened  up 
in  our  neighborhood.  A  little  baby  gained  fifteen 
pounds  in  three  weeks." 

"That  isn't  anything  remarkable.  Up  in  our 
neighborhood  a  baby  gained  seventy-five  pounds 
in  three  weeks." 

"That  was  remarkable." 

"What  did  they  feed  that  baby  on?" 

"Elephant's  milk." 

"Who  did  the  baby  belong  to?" 

"The  elephant." 

"Do  you  know  that  in  San  Francisco  there  is  a 
doctor  that  raises  babies  in  an  incubator  ?  Isn't  that 
a  wonderful  invention?  Just  think  of  it,  raising 
babies  in  an  incubator." 


56         On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

"Yes,  just  think  of  it.  How  would  you  like  to 
have  to  say  your  mother  was  an  oil  stove?" 

"Speaking  of  inventions,  some  of  the  large  cities 
of  the  east  have  adopted  a  new  method  of  sweeping 
the  streets.  They  use  ladies'  corsets.  They  say 
that  they  gather  in  the  waste  better." 

" 1  see  by  the  papers  that  there  has  been  a  corset 
trust  formed.  That's  a  trust  you  can't  bust.  It 
has  come  to  stay  and  it  will  squeeze  the  people." 

Speaking  of  trusts.  There  is  the  beef  trust;  they 
say  it's  a  bully  thing  but  we  should  steer  clear  of  it. 
They  have  raised  the  price  of  meat  until  it's  getting 
so  a  working  man  can't  eat  meat ;  the  nearest  he  can 
come  to  eating  meat  is  oxtail  soup  and  beef  tongue ; 
that  is  the  only  way  he  can  make  both  ends  meet. 

The  working  man  will  have  to  economize.  He 
should  let  his  wife  do  the  cooking,  then  he  won't  eat 
half  so  much. 

Just  the  other  day  my  wife  went  downtown  and 
paid  twenty  dollars  for  an  embroidered  handker- 
chief. I  told  her  that  twenty  dollars  was  too  much 
to  blow  in. 

"I  saw  a  terrible  thing  happen  as  I  was  coming 
down  the  street  today.  A  trolley  wire  came  down 
and  fell  across  a  horse's  neck  and  killed  him  in- 
stantly." 

"That's  nothing.  I  was  coming  down  the  street 
the  other  day,  seven  trolley  wires  came  down  and 
fell  across  my  neck  and  didn't  kill  me." 

"Didn't  you  know  that  rubber  was  a  non-con- 
ductor?" 

"I  suppose  you  have  traveled  a  good  deal?" 

"Yes  all  over  the  world.  I  crossed  the  dead  sea 
before  it  died," 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw         57 

■  'Have  you  ever  been  to  Turkey?" 

"Yes." 

"How  did  you  like  Turkey?" 

"Stuffed  with  oysters." 

"  Have  you  ever  been  to  China?" 

"Yes,  I  just  went  over  to  Peek-in." 

"Tell  me  something  of  China." 

"  Do  you  know  that  in  China  they  take  all  the  little 
baby  girls  out  in  the  middle  of  the  river  in  a  boat  and 
throw  them  overboard  and  let  the  lobsters  get  them? 
It  is  different  in  this  country.  They  wait  till  they 
grow  up.     Then  the  lobsters  get  them." 

I  have  a  brother  that  looks  just  like  me.  We  look 
so  much  alike  you  can't  tell  one  from  the  other.  He 
had  a  job  down  town  working  in  a  big  store.  He 
started  in  at  the  bottom  of  the  ladder.  He  worked 
himself  up  round  by  round.  When  he  reached  the 
top  of  the  ladder  they  gave  him  the  windows  to 
wash.  He  didn't  like  that  job,  so  he  quit.  He 
started  out  to  hunt  another  job.  He  went  to  a  place 
and  asked  a  man  for  a  job.  The  man  said,  "  I  want 
to  see  how  much  you  know.  I  will  just  ask  you  three 
questions.  If  you  answer  them  I  will  give  you  a  job. 
The  first  question  is,  how  many  corners  has  the  moon 
got?"  He  couldn't  answer  that  one.  Then  he 
said,  "How  many  stars  are  there?"  He  couldn't 
answer  that.  Then  he  said,  "What  am  I  thinking 
about  ? ' '  He  didn't  know  that  one  either.  Then  he 
said,  "I  will  give  you  until  10  o'clock  tomorrow  to 
study  on  those  questions.  If  you  come  back  then 
and  answer  them,  I  will  give  you  the  job. "  He  said, 
"  All  right."  He  came  home  and  told  me  about  it. 
I  said,  "  I  have  got  an  idea.  We  look  so  much  alike 
he  can't  tell  us  apart.     I  will  go  down  there  and  an- 


58        On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

swer  the  questions.  He  will  think  it's  you,  and  I 
will  get  the  job.  He  said,  "  All  right.' '  Next  day 
I  went  down.  He  said,  "  Have  you  come  to  answer 
the  questions  ?  "  I  said, ' '  Yes. ' '  He  said, 1 '  The  first 
question  is,  how  many  corners  has  the  moon  got?" 
I  said,  "  Six."  I  knew  he  didn't  know,  so  he  had  to 
take  my  word  for  it.  He  said,  "  How  many  stars  are 
there?"  I  said,  "Four  hundred  and  seventy-five 
million,  six  hundred  and  eighty-three  thousand, 
seven  hundred  and  sixty-five.  If  you  don't  believe 
me,  go  out  and  count  them  yourself."  Of  course  he 
didn't  want  to  do  that.  He  said,  "This  is  the  last 
one.  I  guess  I  have  got  you  now.  What  am  I 
thinking  about? "  I  said,  "  You  think  you  are  talk- 
ing to  my  brother,  but  you  ain't."  I  got  the  job. 
My  brother  looks  so  much  like  me  I  put  my  money 
in  his  pocket. 

While  walking  along  the  street  today  I  saw  what 
I  call  a  disgusting  sight;  it  was  a  woman  that  had 
fallen  so  low  as  to  come  upon  the  public  thorough- 
fare wearing  a  motherhubbard  with  the  four  corners 
blowing  to  the  wind.  Just  think  of  a  woman  having 
no  more  pride  and  self  respect  for  herself  than  to 
come  upon  the  street  wearing  a  motherhubbard.  I 
never  struck  a  woman  in  my  life  but  if  I  should  ever 
catch  my  wife  on  the  street  wearing  a  motherhub- 
K  bard,  I  think  I  would  walk  up  to  her  and  give  her  a 
belt. 

Women  are  very  peculiar.  You  never  can  under- 
stand them.  Not  long  ago  I  went  home.  My  wife 
was  gone  and  the  door  was  locked.  I  went  down 
through  the  coal  hole  and  up  through  the  cellar,  got 
a  ladder  and  crawled  through  the  transom,  found  a 
note  on  the  table  from  my  wife  saying  I  would  find 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw         59 

the  key  under  the  mat  on  the  front  door  step. 
My  wife  is  a  lovely  cook.  I  have  eaten  several  of 
her  dishes,  such  as  cold  shoulder  and  hot  tongue. 
She  can't  stand  flattery  though.  I  called  her  honey. 
The  next  day  she  thought  she  had  the  hives. 


WEARING  A  MOTHER-HTTBBARD  ON  THE  STREET 


The  other  day  I  was  out  in  the  alley  and  found  a 
twenty  dollar  gold  piece.  I  came  home  and  told  my 
wife  about  it.  Now  she  is  suing  me  for  a  divorce 
and  alley-money. 

You  take  a  woman  and  she  will  go  around  town  all 
day.  She  comes  home  in  time  to  get  the  supper. 
She  has  a  lot  of  samples  to  show  you.     You  take  a 


60         On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

man  when  he  has  been  around  town  all  day,  he  comes 
home  in  the  evening,  just  look  at  the  samples  he  will 
bring.  That  is  about  the  only  time  his  wife  wants 
to  kiss  him.  She  wants  to  see  what  kind  of  samples 
he  has  been  getting. 

Women  go  to  the  theaters  night  after  night  just  to 
see  what  the  other  women  wear.  It  is  different 
with  the  men.  They  go  there  just  to  see  what  they 
don't  wear. 

I  think  women  would  make  better  soldiers  than 
men.  They  are  more  used  to  powder.  One  woman 
told  me  she  just  used  a  little  bit  to  keep  away  the 
chaps.     I  think  it  is  just  to  draw  them  on. 

You  take  the  women,  they  are  always  talking 
about  the  men. 

If  you  see  two  or  three  women  talking  on  the 
street  corner  they  are  talking  about  the  men. 
•  I  went  to  church  last  Sunday.  All  the  young  la- 
dies in  the  choir  sang,  "Only  for  a  mansion  in  the 
sky."  That  shun  in  the  sky  was  all  a  bluff.  All 
they  wanted  was  the  man.  When  they  got  through 
all  the  old  maids  said,  "  A-man." 

When  a  girl  laughs  she  always  says  "He-he-he." 
You  never  saw  a  man  laugh  and  say,  "  She-she-she." 

Speaking  of  women.  Boys  let  me  give  you  a  little 
advice,  never  marry  a  harness-maker's  daughter 
for  you  never  know  how  sadly  will  be  your  fate  until 
you  have  been  led  to  the  halter.  If  you  try  to  hold 
a  tight  rein  on  her  something  may  come  upon  the 
spur  of  the  moment  and  you  would  get  bit.  She 
may  be  a  little  sulky,  her  bed  may  be  a  little  buggy, 
and  she  may  have  a  wagen  tongue.  She  may  not 
be  well  spoken  of.  Other  fellows  may  spring  up 
and  you  would  soon  tire  of  that. 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw        61 

Whenever  I  go  down  town  in  the  evening  I  al- 
ways make  it  a  point  to  get  home  at  a  reasonable 
hour  so  as  not  to  keep  my  wife  up  late.  The  last 
evening  I  was  down  town  I  took  home  an  awful  big 
load.  I  think  it  was  the  biggest  load  I  ever  carried 
and  I  have  carried  some  pretty  big  loads.  When  I 
got  home  my  wife  met  me  at  the  door  and  said, 
"What  time  is  it?"  I  said,  "Just  eleven  o'clock." 
Just  then  the  old  clock  struck  two.  She  said,  "  You 
have  lied  to  me.  You  told  me  it  was  eleven  o'clock 
and  the  old  family  clock  has  contradicted  you.  It 
has  struck  two  and  proved  to  me  that  you  have  lied. 
Ain't  you  ashamed  of  yourself?  To  come  home  this 
time  of  the  night  drunk  and  lie  to  your  poor  wife  like 
this?  Yes,  sir,  you  have  lied  to  me.  The  old  clock 
has  proven  to  me  that  you  have  lied."  I  couldn't 
stand  it  any  longer.  I  commenced  to  cry.  I  said, 
"I'm  not  crying  because  you  have  scolded  me.  It  is 
not  because  I  have  come  home  drunk.  It  is  not  be- 
cause my  conscience  hurts  me.  We  have  been  mar- 
ried nigh  on  to  fifteen  years.  I  have  always  been  a 
good,  kind  and  loving  husband,  and  to  think  after 
all  I  have  done  for  you,  you  believe  an  old  three  dol- 
lar clock  before  you  would  your  husband." 

We  have  got  a  boy.  His  name  is  Harry.  He  don't 
mind  very  well.  The  other  day  his  mother  started  to 
whip  him.  He  ran  out  in  the  yard  and  crawled  un- 
der the  house.  She  went  out  and  tried  to  coax  him 
to  come  out.  She  told  me  about  it.  I  went  out  and 
crawled  under  the  house  to  get  him  to  come  out. 
He  looked  at  me  and  said,  "What's  the  matter, 
papa,  is  mamma  after  you  too?" 

My  wife  sent  our  boy  down  to  the  butcher  shop 
to  see  if  the  butcher  had  pig's  feet,     He  came  home 


62         On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

and  told  his  mother  he  couldn't  tell,  as  the  butcher 
had  on  his  shoes. 

I  went  down  to  the  butcher  shop,  called  for  ten 
cents'  worth  of  dog  meat.  The  butcher  looked  at 
me  and  said,  "  Shall  I  wrap  it  up,  or  do  you  want  to 
eat  it  here?" 


"What  was  all  that  old  scrap  iron  I  saw  you 
wearing  the  other  day?" 

"  That  was  the  medals  I  got  for  being  in  the  war." 

"  This  government  don't  give  medals  for  running." 

"  I  fought  all  through  the  war." 

1 '  I  was  shot  in  the  head  over  twenty  years  ago.  It 
was  only  yesterday  I  was  seized  with  a  severe  spell 
of  coughirfg  and  coughed  up  the  bullet." 

"You  say  you  were  shot  in  the  head  over  twenty 
years  ago  and  coughed  up  the  bullet  yesterday?" 

"Yes,  sir." 

"That  goes  to  show  me  how  long  it  takes  any- 
thing to  go  through  your  head." 

"It  is  the  first  time  I  ever  heard  of  your  cough- 
ing up  anything." 

"  I  was  all  through  the  war.  I  was  at  the  battle  of 
Santiago.     I  was  first  sturgeon." 

"You  mean  first  sergeant." 

"  I  was  one  of  the  brave  soldiers.  I  was  what  they 
call  a  picket  soldier.  I  was  doing  picketing.  I 
picked  so  many  chickens  I  was  afraid  to  go  to  bed  at 
night.  I  was  afraid  I  would  lay  there.  While  I 
was  fighting  at  the  battle  of  Santiago  fifteen  balls 
pierced  my  manly  bosom." 

"And  didn't  kill  you?" 

"No," 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw         63 

"How  was  that ?" 

"They  were  codfish  balls.  One  ball  went  right 
through  me  and  killed  another  man.  They  had  me 
arrested  for  murder.  They  said  it  was  through  me 
the  other  man  got  killed.  I  was  where  the  bullets 
were  the  thickest.  They  were  just  rolling  all  over 
me.  There  was  a  hole  in  the  bottom  of  the  ammu- 
nition wagon." 

"Supposing  you  had  seen  the  enemy  coming  to- 
wards you,  would  you  have  formed  a  line?" 

"Yes,  I  would  have  drawn  a  line,  a  bee  line  for 
home." 

"In  France  the  soldiers  all  wear  armor  for  protec- 
tion to  save  their  lives.  In  this  country  Armour 
killed  all  of  our  soldiers." 

"What  is  you  business?" 

"I  am  a  Life  Saver." 

"  I  would  like  you  to  tell  me  of  a  case  where  you 
ever  saved  any  lives." 

"Only  a  short  time  ago  I  was  strolling  along  the 
beach  at  Boston,  picking  up  a  few  shells." 

" Did  you  pick  up  the  right  one?" 

"I  saw  coming  toward  me  three  people.  They 
had  their  hands  in  their  pockets." 

"They  were  onto  you." 

"  Presently  I  looked  out  into  the  Bay,  just  as  I  did 
I  saw  a  boat  capsize.  I  saw  the  people  struggling 
in  the  water.  I  swam  out  and  rescued  them  one  by 
one.  When  I  had  brought  the  last  one,  a  lady,  safely 
to  shore,  I  looked  out  in  the  Bay  and  saw  floating 
on  top  of  the  water  what  looked  to  me  to  be  a  lady's 
head.  I  swam  out  to  it,  and  to  my  surprise  it  was  a 
lady's  switch.  I  brought  it  to  shore  and  handed  it 
to  the  lady,     She  thanked  me." 


64         On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansau) 

"So  you  say  you  are  a  life  saver.  I  would  call 
you  a  hair  restorer.' ' 

"  Do  you  remember  old  Deacon  Jones?  He  is  still 
living.  Do  you  remember  his  son  Abe?  He  was  a 
good-for-nothing  sort  of  fellow.  Abe  gave  the  old 
man  a  great  deal  of  trouble.  The  deacon  got  terrible 


THE  PREACHERS 

mad  at  Abe  one  day  and  told  him  to  leave  the  house 
and  never  come  back.  Yes,  he  told  him  to  go  to  the 
real  place.  He  said,  '  Go  down  there  and  never  come 
back.1  Abe  went  away.  They  never  heard  any- 
thing more  from  him  until  one  night  last  winter. 
The  deacon  had  invited  all  the  preachers  in  the  sur- 
rounding country  to  the  house.  It  was  a  bitter  cold 
night.  All  the  preachers  were  sitting  around  the 
stove  when  they  heard  a  knock  at  the  door.  The 
deacon  got  up  and  went  tc  the  door  and  there  stood 
poor  Abe,  cold  and  shivering.    The  deacon  said, 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw         65 

'Where  have  you  been?'  He  said,  'Where  you 
told  me,  down  there/  'How  did  you  find  things 
down  there?'  '  Just  like  they  are  here  at  home,  so 
many  preachers  there  I  couldn't  get  to  the  fire/ 


CONUNDRUMS. 

Did  you  ever  hear  the  story  about  the  mountain  ? 
No,  I  never  did.     It's  all  bluff. 

Did  you  ever  hear  the  story  about  the  cliff?  It's 
just  bluff. 

How  is  the  best  way  to  keep  friends  ?  Treat  them 
kindly?     No,  often. 

How  is  the  best  way  to  find  a  man  out.  Go  to  his 
house  when  he  ain't  at  home. 

Why  is  a  kiss  over  a  telephone  like  a  straw  hat? 
Because  it  isn't  felt. 

If  you  were  hungry  where  would  you  go  to  get 
something  to  eat?     To  the  Sandwich  Islands. 

If  the  ice  wagon  weigfis  two  thousand  pounds, 
what  does  the  man  on  the  hind  end  of  the  wagon 
weigh?     He  weighs  ice. 

Suppose  you  were  out  in  the  middle  of  theriver 
in  a  boat,  you  had  a  box  of  cigars  and  you  wanted  to 
smoke,  you  didn't  have  any  matches,  what  would  you 
do  for  a  light?  I  would  take  a  cigar  out  of  the  box, 
that  would  make  the  box  a  cigar  lighter. 

Do  you  know  that  the  United  States  has  a  lot  of 
relations?  England  is  the  mother,  George  Wash- 
ington is  the  father,  New  Jersey  is  an  Aunt,  Carry 
Nation  is  another  relation  to  this  great  nation. 

Scotland  grows  the  thistle, 

England  grows  the  rose, 
Ireland  grows  the  shamrock, 

And  the  Sheney  grows  the  nose. 


66        On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

I  am  in  a  good  business  now ;  I  am  in  the  chicken 
business.  At  first  I  fed  my  chickens  on  cornmeal 
and  sawdust.  They  done  fine,  in  fact  they  done  so 
well  I  cut  out  the  cornmeal  altogether  and  just  fed 
them  on  sawdust.  Then  they  didn't  do  so  well ;  one 
hen  laid  a  knot-hole ;  another  laid  a  two-inch  board ; 
I  thought  they  were  going  to  lay  out  a  whole  set  of 
furniture.  Every  time  I  tried  to  eat  any  of  the  eggs 
I  would  get  my  mouth  full  of  splinters. 

My  brother  he  is  very  lucky.  He  was  going  down 
the  street  and  fell  in  a  coal  hole.  He  sued  the  city 
for  ten  thousand  dollars,  and  got  it.  I  was  going 
down  the  street;  I  fell  in  a  coal  hole;  got  arrested 
for  stealing  coal. 


"  Did  you  ever  go  to  school? " 
"Yes." 

"I  use  to  go  to  High  School.     The  one  upon  the 
hill." 

"What  branches  did  you  study?" 
"  Most  all  of  them.     Hickory,  ash  and  walnut." 
"What  class  was  you  in?" 

"I  was  in  the  B  class.     The  reason  they  put  me 
in  the  B  class  was  because  I  had  the  hives." 

"  I  will  see  how  you  are  on  spelling.     Spell '  Blind 

Pig."' 

"B-1-i-n-d  p-g." 

"Why  did  you  leave  the  T  out?" 

"Because  the  pig  was  blind  and  didn't  have  any 
eye." 

"How  are  you  on  singing?" 

"I  used  to  sing  in  the  queer." 

"You  mean  the  quire." 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw         67 

"I  sang  so  queer  they  didn't  'quire  me  any 
longer." 

"  Did  you  ever  go  out  to  Denver  Colar  and  Elbow  ? 
That's  a  great  place  to  go  and  get  cured  of  con- 
sumption. I  know  a  lady  that  went  out  there.  She 
only  had  one  lung.  She  stayed  six  months  and 
came  home  with  two." 

"  That's  nothing.  I  know  a  Dutchman  that  went 
out  there  and  he  only  had  one  lung.  He  stayed  six 
months;  came  home  with  three." 

"How  was  that?" 

"He  got  married  out  there  and  brought  his  wife 
back.  She  had  two  lungs  and  he  had  one.  That 
made  three." 

"I  suppose  you  have  heard  of  the  Rocky  Moun- 
tains?" 

"Yes." 

"I  painted  them." 

"I  heard  Pike's  Peak  about  that." 

"  I  have  got  a  good  job  now/' 

"What  are  you  doing?" 

"I  am  draughtsman  in  a  bank." 

"What  do  you  have  to  do?" 

"Open  and  shut  the  windows." 

"My  father  used  to  run  a  bank.     I  was  dealer." 

"  I  have  got  a  good  job.  I  am  doing  short  hand  in 
a  livery  stable.  Am  taking  down  hay  for  the 
horses." 

"Do  you  know  that  all  great  men  are  some  kind 
of  a  bug?  You  take  President  Roosevelt.  He  is  a 
big  gold  bug.  You  take  Bryan,  he  is  a  big  silver 
bug.  Hobson,  he  is  a  kissing  bug.  Dewey  is  a 
lightning  bug,  and  you  are  a  humbug." 

"  I  suppose  you  would  call  yourself  a  big  bed  bug." 


68        On  A  Stow  Train  Through  ArkansaW 

"I  got  into  trouble  the  other  day.  I  got  Jimmy 
Jinks  to  plead  my  case/' 

"  Jimmy  Jinks  ain't  old  enough  to  plead  a  case. 
He  is  only  sixteen  years  old." 

"I  know  he  is  twenty-one.' ' 

!■  I  say  he  is  only  sixteen,  for  I  was  up  to  his  house 
and  looked  in  the  old  family  Bible  and  saw  written 
in  black  ink  where  he  was  sixteen,  and  you  can't 
scratch  that  out." 

*  I  know  he  has  had  the  seven-year  itch  three  dif- 
ferent times  and  you  can't  scratch  that  out." 


I  used  to  know  a  girl  her  name  was  May.  May 
was  a  lovely  girl.  I  took  her  to  the  theater  one 
night.  And  after  the  show  we  went  into  the  res- 
taurant to  get  something  to  eat.  May  she  ordered 
two  birds.  After  supper  we  ordered  something  to 
drink,  she  wanted  me  to  give  her  a  toast.  I  said, 
11  I  am  just  as  happy  as  two  birds  in  May." 

I  took  her  for  a  ride  in  an  automobile.  We  had 
only  gone  about  three  blocks  when  we  ran  into  a 
telegraph  pole.  We  went  up  in  the  air  about  fifty 
feet.  We  came  down  so  fast  we  both  changed  our 
nationality  coming  down.  I  came  down  a  Russian. 
She  fell  across  a  telegraph  wire  and  came  down  a 
pole.  When  she  fell  it  didn't  hurt  her  a  bit.  She 
was  full  of  safety  pins. 

I  was  down  to  her  house  one  evening;  we  were 
sitting  in  the  parlor.  She  called  me  her  little  shin- 
ing lamp.  We  said  a  few  words,  then  she  turned  me 
down.  Her  father  came  in;  he  wanted  to  put  me 
out.     Her  brother  wanted  to  trim  me.     Just  to 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw         69 

show  them  I  was  game,  I  went  out  smoking.     Then 
they  said  I  was  wicked. 

Her  father  came  right  behind  me.  I  ran  up  the 
alley.  The  old  man  was  right  after  me.  I  couldn't 
see  him,  but  I  could  feel  his  foot.  I  ran  until  I  came 
to  a  high  board  fence.     I  made  up  my  mind  I 


HOW  WE  BOTH  CAME  DOWN 

wouldn't  run  any  further.  I  would  turn  around  and 
fight  him.  I  put  up  my  dukes.  I  was  looking  for 
an  opening ;  that  is,  in  the  fence.  He  put  his  fist  in 
my  eye.  When  he  took  it  away  my  eye  was  black. 
I  told  him  he  couldn't  do  that  to  the  other  eye.  Well, 
when  I  got  out  of  the  hospital  I -was  sorry  I  said  it. 
It  was  in  St.  Louis  I  started  for  the  depot  to  catch 


70        On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

a  train.  I  looked  at  my  watch  and  saw  that  I  had 
just  time  to  get  there.  I  jumped  in  a  cab,  told  the 
driver  to  take  me  to  the  depot.  After  he  had  gone 
for  some  distance  I  looked  out  and  saw  he  was  going 
by.     I  hollered  and  told  him  to  stop.     He  stuttered, 


THE  OLD  MAN  RAN  ME  UP  THE  ALLEY 

and  before  he  could  say  "  whoa,"  he  was  four  blocks 
by.  When  I  got  back  to  the  depot  I  was  ten  min- 
utes late.  My  train  had  gone.  I  sat  down  to  wait 
for  the  next  one.  I  saw  a  Jew  rush  up  to  the  ticket 
agent  and  say,  "Gimme  a  ticket  to  Springfield." 
The  ticket  agent  said,  "What  Springfield?  Spring- 
field, Illinois,  or  Springfield  Missouri  ?"     The  Jew 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw         71 

said,  "  Vitch  is  the  sheapest?"  An  old  man  sitting 
alongside  of  me  said,  "Are  you  acquainted  here  in 
St.  Louis?"  I  said,  "Yes."  He  said,  "Do  you 
know  a  man  living  here  by  the  name  of  Smith?"  I 
said,  "No,  I  never  knew  anybody  by  that  name." 
He  said  he  used  to  know  a  man  down  in  Georgia,  up 
nigh  the  Virginia  line  by  the  name  of  Smith.  He 
moved  somewhere  around  here.  There  was  an 
Englishman  sitting  close  to  us.  The  old  man  asked 
him  if  he  lived  in  St.  Louis.  He  said  no,  he  lived  in 
London.  The  old  man  said,  "London,  London, 
let's  see,  what  part  of  Georgia  is  that  in?"  An  old 
lady  rushed  up  to  the  depot  master  and  said,  "I 
want  to  catch  the  10  o'clock  train."  He  said,  "  You 
can't  catch  it.  It  has  just  pulled  out."  She  said, 
"  It  is  too  bad.  There  she  goes."  The  depot  master 
said,  the  idea  of  her  saying,  'there  she  goes.'"  I 
said,  "  She  is  perfectly  right.  She  should  say,  '  there 
she  goes.'"  He  said,  "Yes,  but  that  was  a  mail 
train." 


I  was  riding  on  a  street  car,  smoking  a  strong 
cigar.  A  lady  sitting  alongside  of  me  said,  "Will 
you  please  put  out  the  cigar?"  I  put  it  out.  I  had 
on  a  new  shoe  that  was  hurting  my  foot.  I  pulled 
it  off  and  began  rubbing  my  foot.  The  lady  said, 
"Will  you  light  the  cigar?" 


I  was  riding  on  a  street  car  one  time  between  Min- 
neapolis and  St.  Paul.  The  car  was  crowded.  There 
was  a  lady  standing  in  front  of  me  with  a  pair  of 
skates  hanging  over  her  shoulder.     I  offered  her  my 


72         On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

seat.    She  said  she  didn't  care  to  sit  down  as  she  had 
been  skating  all  day. 


"  Do  you  know,  that  you  look  like  Barnum's  mon- 
key ?" 

"  Look  here,  sir,  I  can  stand  to  be  called  most  any- 
thing, but  when  you  come  to  say  I  look  like  Bar- 
num's  monkey  you  will  have  to  apologize.  Yes,  sir ; 
you  will  have  to  apologize.' ' 

"  All  right,  I  will  apologize. " 

"When?" 

"  Just  as  soon  as  I  see  the  monkey." 

"  What  do  you  take  me  for,  a  fool? " 

"  No,  I  never  judge  a  man  by  his  looks." 

"  Look  here,  sir,  I  want  you  to  quit  ridiculing  and 
making  fun  of  me.  I  picked  you  up  out  of  the  gut- 
ter and  have  tried  to  make  a  man  out  of  you.  I've 
done  everything  I  could  to  help  you  along.  I  have 
even  put  up  with  your  looks  in  order  to  make  some- 
thing out  of  you.  I  have  went  so  far  as  to  give  up 
my  beer  and  free  lunch  routes  in  order  to  look  after 
you;  and  now,  after  all  I  have  done  for  you,  I  un- 
derstand that  you  said  I  wasn't  fit  to  live  with  the 
hogs.     What  have  you  to  say  for  yourself?" 

"I  didn't  say  you  wasn't  fit  to  live  with  the  hogs. 
I  didn't  say  that  at  all.  I  stuck  up  for  you.  I  said 
you  was  fit  to  live  with  the  hogs." 


While  traveling  through  the  state  of  Missouri  a 
few  years  ago,  I  stopped  at  a  place  where  the  old  sol- 
diers were  holding  a  reunion.  There  was  a  crippled 
soldier  in  the  crowd.     He  was  pretty  badly  crippled. 


74         On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

Some  grape  shot  had  hit  him  in  the  face  and  knocked 
all  of  one  side  of  it  off.  He  had  lost  one  leg  and 
both  arms.  He  had  a  hook  on  one  arm  and  a  basket 
hung  on  it.  He  was  passing  it  around  among  the 
soldiers  and  they  were  donating  very  liberally.  When 
anyone  would  drop  anything  in  the  basket  he  would 
say,  "Thank  you,  comrade,  thank  you."  He  came 
to  where  a  fellow  was  reading  a  paper.  The  fellow 
just  ran  his  hand  in  his  pocket,  pulled  out  five 
dollars  and  dropped  it  in  the  basket.  He  said, 
"  Thank  you,  comrade,  take  out  your  change.' '  He 
said,  "Keep  it."  He  said,  "What  regiment  do  you 
belong  to?"  He  said,  "None."  "Why  are  you  so 
liberal  then?"  He  said,  "  Because  you  are  the  first 
Yankee  I  ever  saw  that  was  trimmed  up  just  to  suit 
me,  and  when  I  see  one  I  am  willing  to  pay  for  it." 


Do  you  know  that  England  outdoes  every  other 
country.     She  has  many  things  to  boast  of. 

What  have  you  in  England  that  we  haven't  got  in 
this  country? 

We  have  got  Lords. 

What  is  that? 

They  are  men  that  don't  work. 

We  have  got  lots  of  them  in  this  country.  We 
don't  call  them  lords,  though. 

What  do  you  call  them? 

Tramps. 

We  have  got  policemen  in  England  that  stand  six 
feet  high  in  their  stocking  feet. 

That  is  nothing.  We  have  policemen  in  this 
country  that  stand  six  feet  high  and  never  had  a 
sock  on. 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw        75 

In  England  we  have  got  great  trees  that  grow  one 
hundred  feet  high.  There  are  deer  that  run  through 
them  with  horns  ten  feet  across. 

In  this  country  we  have  got  trees  that  grow  three 
hundred  feet  high  and  only  two  feet  apart.  There 
are  deers  that  run  through  these  trees  that  have 
horns  twenty  feet  across. 

How  do  they  do  it? 

They  wait  until  spring,  then  the  trees  leave. 

In  England  we  have  parks  that  are  so  large  that 
it  takes  six  weeks  to  go  through  them. 

We  have  got,  right  here  in  Chicago,  alleys  that 
the  health  officers  never  go  through. 

Speaking  of  remarkable  things,  Montana  has 
Great  Falls. 


I  have  got  an  uncle.  He  is  an  engineer  on  a 
passenger  train.  He  is  an  awful  smart  man.  He 
uses  great  judgment  when  anything  happens  and 
always  does  the  right  thing.  Not  long  ago  while  he 
was  running  sixty  miles  an  hour  he  looked  out  and 
saw  right  ahead  of  the  engine  a  little  girl  sitting 
on  the  track.  He  knew  he  couldn't  stop  in  time  to 
save  her,  so  he  took  a  big  rope  he  had  on  the  engine, 
tied  one  end  around  the  smoke  stack,  threw  the 
other  end  over  a  telegraph  pole,  jerked  the  train  off 
the  track,  saved  the  little  girl's  life,  and  killed  fifty 
Swedes. 

My  uncle  had  another  thrilling  experience  not  long 
ago.  He  has  got  long  gray  whiskers.  While  he  was 
running  seventy  miles  an  hour  he  saw  a  little  baby 


76         On  A  Slow  Tram  Through  Arkansaw 

sitting  on  the  track  just  ahead  of  the  engine.  He 
knew  he  couldn't  stop  in  time,  so  he  rushed  out  on 
the  front  end  of  the  engine.  He  crawled  down  on 
the  end  of  the  cow  catcher ;  he  held  on  with  one  hand ; 
then  he  made  a  grab  for  the  little  baby,  and  what 
do  you  suppose  happened?  The  wind  blew  through 
his  whiskers. 


A  THRILLING  ADVENTURE 


You  talk  about  fast  riding.  I  have  had  some  great 
experience  in  that  line.  I  remember  one  time  I  was 
seated  in  the  smoking  room  of  the  sleeper  when  the 
question  was  asked  how  fast  are  we  running.     There 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw  77 

was  a  difference  in  opinions  of  the  speed.  One  fel- 
low said  he  thought  the  train  was  making  sixty 
miles  an  hour.  He  said  it  was  the  fastest  he  had 
ever  rode.  Another  fellow  said  he  had  rode  a  great 
deal  faster.  He  said  that  he  had  a  girl  living  at  a 
little  town  on  the  line.  He  was  to  pass  through 
there  on  a  certain  date  and  wrote  his  girl  to  be  at 
the  depot  to  meet  him.  He  was  on  the  train  of  that 
date,  but  it  was  a  fast  train  and  didn't  stop  at  his 
girl's  town.  Just  before  he  got  there  he  went  out  on 
the  platform,  got  down  on  the  bottom  step  so  he  could 
kiss  his  girl  as  he  went  by.  Just  as  he  did  the  train 
whistled.  He  saw  his  girl  standing  on  the  platform. 
He  swung  out  and  tried  to  kiss  her  as  he  went  by. 
The  train  was  running  so  fast  that  instead  of  kissing 
his  girl  he  kissed  a  cow  five  miles  away. 

Another  fellow  spoke  up  and  said  that  wasn't  as 
fast  as  he  had  rode.  He  said  he  rode  so  fast  that 
he  couldn't  see  the  towns  as  he  went  through.  We 
said,  "Was  that  because  you  were  going  so  fast?" 
He  said,  "  No,  it  was  because  he  was  locked  up  in  a 
box  car."  I  said,  "You  have  told  about  your  fast 
trains,  I  will  tell  you  about  a  long  train  I  rode  on. 
Tt  was  so  long  the  engine  passed  the  depot  on  time. 
It  was  running  fifty  miles  an  hour ;  when  the  caboose 
went  by  it  was  an  hour  and  a  half  late." 


CONUNDRUMS. 

Did  you  ever  hear  the  story  about  the  bed?     No, 
I  never  did.     That's  where  you  lie. 

When  is  a  horse  not  a  horse?    When  he  is -turned 
into  a  pasture. 


78         On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

What  is  a  pig  doing  when  he  is  eating?  He  is 
making  a  hog  of  himself. 

Why  do  people  in  Kansas  build  their  pig  pens  in 
the  north  side  of  the  yard?  To  keep  the  pigs  in,  of 
course. 

Why  does  a  dentist  put  his  teeth  in  a  show  case? 
So  the  people  can  see  the  teeth.  No,  it  is  so  they 
can  pick  their  teeth. 

I  know  a  man  that  shaves  twenty  times  a  day. 
Who  is  it?     The  barber. 

They  are  laying  for  you.     Who?    The  hens. 

I  went  out  in  the  yard  to  get  something.  Picked 
it  up,  looked  for  it,  and  couldn't  find  it ;  came  in  the 
house,  put  my  foot  down,  picked  it  up  again,  looked 
for  it  and  found  it.     What  was  it  ?     It  was  a  splinter. 

Looks  like  a  cat,  walks  like  a  cat,  eats  like  a  cat, 
and  it  ain't  a  cat.     What  is  it?     It's  a  kitten. 

What  is  a  kiss?     Nothing  divided  by  two. 


Kiss  an  old  maid  once — she  screams  with  delight, 
Kiss  her  twice — she  will  stay  up  all  night, 
Kiss  her  three  times — she  hollers  for  more, 
She  knows  how  it  is,  for  she  has  been  there  before. 


I  ain't  coming  over  to  your  house  any  more. 

Why  so? 

I  was  coming  over  to  your  house  yesterday  to 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw  79 

borrow  your  cook  stove,  and  your  bull  dog  ran  me 
up  an  apple  tree. 

My  bull  dog  won't  bite.     He  is  fond  of  children. 

I  know  he  is,  for  I  missed  two  of  mine. 

He  will  eat  from  your  hand. 

Yes,  and  he  will  eat  from  your  leg,  too. 

I  saw  him  when  he  was  after  you.  He  was  actual- 
ly wagging  his  tail. 

Yes,  and  he  was  barking  at  the  same  time.  I 
didn't  know  which  end  to  believe. 

Do  you  remember  that  horse  you  sold  me? 

Yes,  and  I  told  you  he  was  a  good  horse,  but  he 
didn't  look  good. 

I  hitched  him  up  to  the  buggy  the  other  day  and 
he  ran  into  everything  he  came  to.  I  got  out  and 
looked  at  his  eyes  and  saw  he  was  blind. 

Don't  you  remember,  I  told  you  he  was  a  good 
horse,  but  he  didn't  look  good? 

Do  you  remember  that  hen  you  sold  me  ?  There  is 
something  wrong  with  her.  Every  day  we  find  her 
egg  broken  on  the  ground. 

That  is  easily  accounted  for.  While  the  other 
hens  are  at  work  that  hen  gets  up  on  the  roost  and 
lays  off. 

Do  you  know  that  your  brother  is  crooked  ? 

How  is  that? 

Me  and  your  brother  went  in  the  cattle  business. 
We  only  had  ten  dollars  apiece. 

You  couldn't  buy  many  cattle  with  only  ten  dol- 
lars apiece. 

We  only  bought  one  cattle.  We  divided  our  busi- 
ness.   The  head  part  was  to  be  mine,  the  hind  part 


80  On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

was  to  be  his.  I  had  to  feed  my  part.  He  milked 
his  part  and  wouldn't  give  me  any  of  the  milk.  I  got 
even  with  him.  I  killed  my  part  and  his  part  died. 
That's  why  I  say  he's  crooked. 

That's  a  nice  suit  of  clothes  you've  got  on.  Where 
did  you  get  it? 

My  tailor  in  New  York  made  it.  That's  a  nice 
siut  you've  got  on.     Where  did  you  get  it? 

Carrie  Nation  made  it. 

Carrie  Nation  isn't  a  tailor. 

Yes  she  is,  didn't  she  make  all  the  saloon  men 
close? 

My  wife  used  to  pick  my  clothes. 
My  wife  used  to  pick  my  pants. 

This  morning  I  pumped  for  a  half  an  hour  and 
couldn't  get  any  water.  Can  you  tell  me  what  was 
the  matter? 

The  sucker  was  on  the  wrong  end. 

You  ought  to  sleep  good,  you  lie  so  easy. 


How  is  your  father? 

He  is  dead. 

How  did  he  die,  for  want  of  breath? 

He  died  a  lying. 

He  kept  up  the  same  old  business. 

He  knew  within  thirty  minutes  of  the  time  of  his 
death. 

Who  told  him,  the  sheriff?  I  remember  your 
father  and  some  more  men  went  out  west  to  buy  up 
horses.  The  other  men  came  back.  Your  father's 
a  hanging  around  out  there  somewhere  yet. 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw  81 

My  father  was  a  lightning  calculator.  He  could 
figure  up  any  sum  in  his  head.  He  didn't  have  to 
use  a  pencil  and  paper  to  figure  up  anything.  All 
he  had  to  do  was  to  scratch  his  head  and  he  had  it. 

Didn't  they  ever  get  away? 


My  father  was  a  very  peculiar  man.  He  wouldn't 
eat  fish.  In  fact  he  couldn't  stand  the  smell  of  fish. 
We  couldn't  have  fish  in  the  house  where  he  was  at 
all.  One  morning  he  came  down  stairs  and  said  to 
mother,  "  I  thought  I  told  you  not  to  cook  any  more 
fish."  She  said,  "  I  am  not  cooking  fish."  He  said, 
M I  know  you  are,  for  I  smell  fish."  She  said,  "  That 
isn't  fish  you  smell,  it's  the  perch  in  the  bird  cage." 

Father  had  been  reading  a  great  deal  in  the  papers 
about  Carrie  Nation  breaking  up  joints  out  west. 
He  thought  he  would  go  out  and  help  her.  He  got 
an  ax  and  started  down  the  street  with  it  on  his 
shoulder.  He  slipped  and  fell  and  broke  his  leg  right 
next  to  one  of  the  lowest  joints  in  town.  The  ax 
flew  off  the  handle  the  same  time  father  did.  It  went 
up  in  the  air  and  came  down  and  stuck  in  the  top 
of  his  head.  He  was  laying  there  on  the  sidewalk. 
The  people  all  gathered  up  around  him.  Some  said 
it  was  suicide ;  some  said  it  was  an  accident ;  I  said 
it  was  the  first  time  anything  like  that  had  ever  en- 
tered father's  head.  My  father  was  a  great  wrestler. 
He  could  throw  most  anybody  down.  He  threw 
his  whole  family  down  and  everybody  he  owed.  The 
last  wrestle  he  took  was  with  a  milk  wagon.  He 
grabbed  at  the  wagon  and  fell  in  the  spring.  He 
went  to  see  a  doctor.     The  doctor  told  him  if  he 


&2  On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

hadn't  of  fell  in  the  spring  the  fall  would  have  killed 
•him. 


There  was  a  terrible  accident  down  at  the  railroad 
the  other  day. 

What  was  it? 

A  fellow  was  lying  on  the  railroad  track;  a  train 
came  along  and  cut  all  of  his  left  side  off.  They 
took  him  to  the  hospital  and  he  got  fixed  up.  Now 
he  is  all  right. 

I  was  standing  in  the  hotel  office  the  other  day 
when  a  man  rushed  up  to  the  proprietor  and  said, 
' '  I'll  bet  you  ten  dollars  the  next  President  is  a  repub- 
lican." He  wouldn't  bet.  The  fellow  rushed  up  to 
the  clerk  and  wanted  to  bet  him  that  the  next  Presi- 
dent would  be  a  democrat.  He  wanted  to  bet  me 
that  the  next  President  would  be  a  populist.  I 
wouldn't  bet  either. 

Did  he  get  taken  up  ? 

Yes. 

Who  by? 

The  elevator  boy. 

A  friend  of  mine  got  part  of  his  hand  cut  off  the 
other  day.  He  has  a  good  job  now.  He  is  doing 
shorthand. 

Suppose  you  were  out  in  a  boat  with  your  wife 
and  mother,  and  the  boat  should  strike  a  snag  and 
sink.     Who  would  you  save,  your  wife  or  mother? 

In  that  case  I  would  save  my  mother. 

That  is  right.  The  world  is  full  of  women.  You 
could  easily  get  another  wife,  but  where,  oh  where, 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw  83 

under  the  great  canopy  of  heaven,  could  you  ever 
get  another  good,  kind  and  loving  mother? 

Suppose  you  were  out  in  a  boat  with  your  wife 
and  mother-in-law  and  the  boat  should  strike  a  snag 
and  sink.  Who  would  you  save?  Your  wife  or 
mother-in-law? 

I  would  save  the  snag.  The  world  is  r  full  of 
women.  You  could  easily  get  another  wife  and 
mother-in-law,  but  where,  oh,  where  under  the  great 
tin  can  of  New  Hampshire,  could  you  get  another 
good,  kind  and  loving  snag? 

Not  very  long  ago  I  was  out  boat  riding.  There 
were  seventeen  people  in  the  boat.  The  boat  cap- 
sized. We  were  all  struggling  in  the  water.  I  took 
out  a  bar  of  soap  and  washed  ashore. 

People  are  getting  very  strong  nowadays.  I  saw 
two  men  go  out  in  a  boat  and  pull  up  the  river. 

Are  you  married? 

Yes,  I  have  been  married  three  times.  Next  July 
I  am  going  to  celebrate  the  Fourth.  My  last  wife 
has  got  black  eyes.  I  give  them  to  her  fresh  every 
morning.     I  see  your  wife  wears  bloomers. 

She  has  got  a  perfect  right. 

How  about  her  left? 

By  the  way,  who  were  those  two  young  ladies  I 
saw  you  on  the  street  with? 

Oh,  did  you  see  me? 

I  should  say  I  did.  You  are  a  sly  old  fox.  By 
the  way,  do  they  paint? 

One  of  them  does;  the  other  one  gives  music 
lessons. 


84  On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

Did  you  hear  about  the  big  fire? 

What  was  it? 

A  rubber  store  burned.  My  brother  was  working 
in  it.  He  was  in  the  tenth  story  when  he  discovered 
it  was  on  fire.  My  brother  has  great  presence  of 
mind  to  act  on  the  spur  of  the  moment.  He  put  on 
a  pair  of  rubber  boots  and  another  pair  and  another 
pair  until  he  had  on  twenty  pairs.  Then  he  went 
to  the  front  window  and  jumped  out.  When  he 
struck  the  ground  he  bounced  up  as  high  as  the 
building  and  came  down  and  bounced  up  again.  He 
bounced  up  and  down  for  twenty-four  hours.  We 
had  to  get  a  gun  and  shoot  the  poor  fellow  to  keep 
him  from  starving  to  death. 

That's  nothing.  My  brother  was  working  up  in 
the  soap  factory.  He  was  up  in  the  fifteenth  story 
when  he  discovered  it  was  on  fire.  My  brother,  he 
has  great  presence  of  mind  to  act  quickly  on  the 
spur  of  the  moment.  Just  think  of  it.  My  brother 
-up  in  the  fifteenth  story  of  the  building  with  it  all 
on  fire.     What  do  you  suppose  he  did? 

What  did  he  do? 

He  just  picked  up  a  bar  of  soap  and  came  down 
the  lather. 


I  took  a  trip  out  west  to  the  Pacific  Coast.  I  went 
out  by  the  way  of  that  big  Mormon  town.  The  one 
they  call  Salt  Lake  City.  That  is  a  fine  place  to  live 
in.  You  can  have  just  as  many  girls  there  as  you 
want  to,  and  they  don't  get  jealous.  I  would  rather 
be  a  lamp  post  in  Salt  Lake  City  than  to  be  the 
Mayor  of  Oklahoma  City.     If  I  had  a  ticket  for 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through-  Arkansaw 


85 


Salt  Lake  City  and  one  for  Heaven  I  think  I  would 
go  to  Salt  Lake. 

While  on  my  trip  I  met  a  young  lady  on  the  train. 
She  said  she  was  from  down  in  Knebrasky;  said 
she  was  going  out  nigh  Seattle.  She  said  her  uncle 
had  writ  her  to  come  out.     I  told  her  that  was  a 


IN  SALT  LAKE  CITY 

pretty  nice  country  out  here.  She  said  that  was 
what  she  'lowed;  said  she  took  the  bed  car  one 
night.  She  says,  "We  are  running  a  pretty  good 
hick'ry  now,  you  can't  hardly  count  the  trees.' '  About 
that  time  the  conductor  came  through  and  said, 
"Let  down  your  windows,  we  are  coming  to  a  tun- 
nel."    She  wanted  to  know  which  side  it  was  on? 


86  On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

When  we  got  to  the  tunnel  she  said,  "  What  is  the 
rules  out  in  this  country?  You  take  it  back  in  Kne- 
brasky  when  a  girl  is  talking  to  a  boy  you  had  to 
have  a  lamp  burning  or  you  was  talked  about. "  I 
said,  "The  rules  is  out  here  to  blow  it  out."  She 
said,  "You  seem  to  understand  the  rules  tolerably 
well."  I  guess  she  thought  I  was  going  to  talk  love 
to  her.  She  said  she  was  done  already  promised  to 
one  man  back  in  Knebrasky. 

The  next  morning  when  I  woke  up  I  looked  out 
and  said,  "  We  are  in  Oregon."  A  fellow  said,  "  How 
do  you  know?"  I  said,  "Because  it's  raining."  I 
looked  to  see  if  I  had  my  umbrella  with  me.  I  knew 
if  they  caught  me  in  Oregon  without  an  umbrella  I 
would  be  arrested.  Speaking  about  umbrellas,  that 
is  something  everybody  knows  how  to  raise  in 
Oregon. 

There  was  a  fellow  on  the  train  from  Tom  Bean 
County,  Texas.  He  had  never  been  shod,  when- 
ever he  laughed  he  would  shed  Texas  stears.  He 
said  he  came  over  that  route  by  the  way  of  Pieblo 
and  Pocotolo;  said  he  had  to  change  cars  and  lie 
over  night  at  Pieblo;  said  he  didn't  like  the  kind 
of  tavern  rules  they  had  in  Pieblo.  He  said  the 
one  he  stopped  at  they  made  him  write  his  name  in 
a  big  book,  and  there  was  some  writing  in  the  room 
that  said,  "Don't  blow  out  the  gas"  ;  said  he  didn't 
blow  it  out  and  they  charged  him  two  dollars  for 
letting  it  burn. 

He  said  down  whar  he  came  from  everybody  car- 
ried a  pistol.  He  said  his  uncle  came  out  to  the 
west  on  a  emogrunt  train  in  the  early  days  and  fit 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw  87 


FROM  TEXAS.  HE  WAS  THE  LIMIT 
HE  WOULD  QF  DONE  TO  OF  ROPE  ON  THE  SLOW  TRAIN 


88  On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

the  Indians  at  Tacoma.  He  said  the  people  at  Ta- 
coma  wanted  his  uncle  to  stay  there  and  settle,  he 
said,  after  his  uncle  came  back  to  Texas.  They 
liked  him  so  well  they  rit  him  several  letters  asking 
him  to  come  back  and  settle.  Said  his  pap  had  fit 
all  through  the  war. 

I  said,  "  The  war  is  most  all  forgotten  about  now." 
He  said,  "No,  it  wasn't  forgotten  about  for  his 
pap  had  fit  all  through  it."  He  said,  "besides  his 
sister  Samanthy  had  picked  up  with  one  of  them 
Yankee  soldiers  and  married  him  and  they  moved 
out  here  to  a  place  called  Spooken  Falls.  I  don't 
suppose  you  ever  heard  of  that  place  before  but  it's 
out  here  somewhere  for  Sister  Samanthy  writ  a 
letter  and  said  it  was  in  Washington  up  near  the 
Canadian  line.  He  said  he  would  like  to  know  what 
kind  of  a  place  it  was.  A  gentleman  sitting  in  the 
next  seat  told  him  that  Spokane  was  a  good  place  to 
go  through  after  night,  providing  you  don't  stop 
over  ten  minutes. 

I  used  to  think  that  all  the  funny  things  happened 
in  Arkansaw.  But  after  seeing  the  man  from  Texas 
I  came  to  the  conclusion  that  Arkansaw  wasn't  the 
only  pebble  on  the  beach.  For  there  is  a  round  rock 
in  Texas. 

The  way  they  catch  fish  in  the  Columbia  River, 
mostly  they  club  them  to  death.  Men  get  two  dol- 
lars and  a  half  a  day  for  clubbing  salmon.  Some 
places  along  the  river  they  use  what  is  called  fish 
wheels.  They  are  big  wheels  that  are  turned  by  the 
current  of  the  water,  but  a  great  deal  of  the  time  the 
wheels  refuse  to  turn  on  account  of  the  salmon 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw         89 


coming  so  thick  that  they  block  the  wheels.  I 
thought  that  was  a  fish  story,  but  they  showed  me. 
There  are  many  points  of  interest  along  that  line. 
I  remember  some  of  them.  Multnomah  Falls  for 
one.  They  are  eight  hundred  and  sixty  feet  high. 
The  train  stopped  right  opposite  the  Falls  so  as  to 


THE  WAY  THEY  CATCH  FISH  ON  THE  COLUMBIA 

give  all  the  passengers  a  chance  to  see  them.  While 
we  were  stopped  there  gazing  upon  that  marvelous 
sight,  the  conductor  was  telling  us  all  about  them. 
He  said,  "  Do  you  all  see  that  log  running  out  from 
the  top  of  the  falls V  We  could  all  see  it.  He  said, 
"Not  very  long  ago,  a  young  lady  walked  out  on 


90         On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 


the  end  of  that  log;  it  broke  off  with  her.  She 
fell  to  the  bottom  eight  hundred  and  sixty  feet  be- 
low.' '  An  old  lady  said,  "I  suppose  she  was  man- 
gled?" The  conductor  said,  "No,  just  a  sprained 
ankle  was  all."  She  said,  "How  was  that?"  He 
said,  "When  she  fell  her  dress  just  formed  a  para- 
chute." 


MULTNOMAH  FALLS,  860  FEET  HIGH 

When  the  train  started  the  conductor  told  the 
young  lady  from  Knebrasky  that  she  would  have  to 
change  cars  at  Portland  for  Seattle.  She  said,  "Is 
that  on  the  map?"  The  conductor  got  mad  and 
walked  away,  and  wouldn't  answer  the  question, 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw         91 

A  gentleman  sitting  across  the  way  that  runs  a 
big  brewery  at  Portland  said,  "  Young  lady,  what 
was  it  you  wanted  to  know? "  She  said,  "  The  con- 
ductor told  me  that  I  would  have  to  change  cars  at 
Portland  to  go  to  Seattle.  I  would  like  to  know 
where  that  is."  He  said  it  was  right  next  to  his 
brewery. 

Then  she  cried  I  will  Seattle, 
As  she  arose  Tacoma  hair, 
But  her  Butte  was  in  Montana, 
Beneath  a  Tombstone  in  Arizona. 
Then  she  cried  Walla  Walla 
I  am  going  to  the  St.  Louis  fair, 
But  if  I  ware  my  New  Jersey, 
What  will   Delaware. 

When  the  sun  shines  in  Portland  they  always  take 
a  photograph  of  it.  When  I  was  there  the  latest 
picture  of  the  sun  was  nine  months  old.  I  asked  a 
fellow  in  Portland  what  the  people  did  when  it 
rained  so  much.     He  said  they  just  let  it  rain. 

I  saw  a  lady  with  a  cataract  on  her  eye,  a  ripple 
in  her  hair,  a  creek  in  her  back,  a  spring  in  her  dress 
and  a  notion  in  her  head. 

While  I  was  in  Portland  I  met  a  friend  of  mine. 
He  invited  me  out  to  his  house  for  dinner.  He  told 
me  he  lived  at  2^  Mud  Street. 

I  asked  him  where  that  was. 

He  said  it  was  2.30  Clay  after  a  heavy  rain. 

It  rained  so  much  while  I  was  in  Portland  that 
my  money  was  wet.  It  was  due  in  the  morning  and 
missed  in  the  evening.  Yes,  it  does  rain  a  great 
deal  in  Portland,  but  with  all  the  rain  it  is  a  beautiful 
place.     The  sun  is  out  of  sight. 

Mount  Hood  can  be  seen  in  the  distance 
reared  in  all  her  splendor,  with  her  sky-piercing 


92 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 


peak  towering  above  the  clouds  capped  with  ever- 
lasting snow,  glittering  and  gleaming  in  all  her 
majestic  grandeur,  captivating  and  sublime. 

While  I  was  in  Seattle  a  man-  asked  me  how  I 
would  like  to  go  to  Klondike  and  dig  gold.  I  told 
him  I  wouldn't  mine.  I  thought  I  would  go  up  there 
and  take  the  gold  cure,  only  I  was  afraid  the  ice 


PORTLAND,  OREGON 

would  make  funny  cracks  at  me.  I  think  all  poor 
people  ought  to  go  to  Alaska.  They  can  cut  just 
as  much  ice  up  there  as  anybody.  They  can  walk 
around  with  the  seals.  I  went  up  there  with  a  friend 
of  mine.  He  had  been  there  before  and  located  a 
claim.    He  gave  me  half  interest  in  it.    We  had  lots 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw         93 

of  money  in  our  mind.  I  was  in  the  mining  business 
in  Alaska.  I  was  mining  my  own  business.  Alaska 
is  the  coldest  place  I  ever  saw.  While  I  was  there  a 
man  set  a  bucket  of  boiling  water  outside  to  cool. 
He  left  it  for  two  minutes ;  when  he  came  back  the 
water  was  froze ;  the  ice  was  still  warm.  Whenever 
a  man  goes  to  Alaska  and  makes  any  money  he  has 
to  come  down  to  Seattle  and  get  it  thawed  out. 
While  I  was  in  Dawson  City  there  was  a  man  froze 
to  death.  They  decided  they  would  cremate  him. 
They  fired  up  the  crematory.  When  it  got  red 
hot  they  put  him  in  the  oven.  After  he  had  been 
in  there  for  several  hours  they  supposed  he  had 
been  thoroughly  cremated.  They  opened  the  door. 
When  they  did  they  saw  him  sitting  up  in  one  cor- 
ner of  the  oven  with  his  coat  on.  He  said,  "Shut 
that  door.  This  is  the  first  time  I  have  been  warm 
since  I  have  been  in  Alaska." 

Me  and  my  uncle  left  New  York  for  Seattle.  We 
had  three  million  dollars  between  us.  That  is,  be- 
tween us  and  Seattle.  When  we  got  to  Seattle  we 
spent  the  three  million  the  first  night.  Then  we 
woke  up. 

Seattle  is  a  great  place.  It  is  different  from  any 
place  I  ever  saw.  It  gets  so  foggy  there  you  can't 
see  attle.  You  can  travel  over  there  for  miles  and 
miles  without  riding  on  a  railroad  train,  street  car 
or  hack.  You  can  go  from  Seattle  to  Alaska  by 
sound.  Seattle  is  a  very  pretty  place.  They  say 
it  is  a  prettier  place  than  Portland  because  it  is 
laid  out  nicer,  but  you  wait  till  Portland  has  been 
dead  as  long  as  Seattle  and  she'll  be  laid  out  just  as 
nice.  Whenever  the  people  in  Seattle  want  to  take 
a  trip  to  the  country  and  have  a  nice  quiet  time, 


94         On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

they  go  to  Port  Townsend.  That  is  a  good  town  to 
sleep  in.  It  is  so  quiet,  no  steam  whistles  or  any 
thing  to  bother  you. 

I  went  from  Seattle  to  San  Francisco  by  steamer. 
It  is  a  delightful  trip  going  down.  As  I  went  down 
everything  seemed  to  be  coming  up.  When  you  get 
your  ticket  that  includes  a  trip  up  and  down  between 
Seattle  and  San  Francisco ;  you  go  up  and  down  on  the 
same  trip.  I  have  always  heard  you  couldn't  get 
full  on  water,  but  that  is  a  mistake ;  you  can  get  just 
as  full  on  water  as  you  can  on  land.  The  fellow  that 
was  in  the  next  cell  to  me — I  mean  stateroom.  I 
was  thinking  about  another  trip  I  took  one  time.  He 
must  have  got  terribly  full  from  the  way  he  coughed 
up.  If  I  had  seen  an  island  within  five  miles  dis- 
tance I  think  I  would  have  jumped  overboard  and 
took  chances  of  swimming  to  it.  The  second  day  out 
a  young  lady  fell  overboard.  When  she  struck  the 
water  a  big  shark  came  up  and  looked  at  her  and 
swam  away  and  never  bothered  her.  He  was  a  man- 
eating  shark.  After  I  landed  at  Frisco  I  lived  on 
sea-food  for  three  days.  I  could  see  it  through  the 
windows.  I  got  so  hungry  I  could  have  eaten  the 
cracker  off  a  whip.  The  fourth  day  I  was  there  I 
stopped  at  the  Palace  Hotel.  When  the  clerk 
showed  me  my  room  I  had  a  notion  to  eat  the  jam 
off  the  door.  The  landlord  insulted  me  the  first  day. 
He  accused  me  of  eating  the  soap.  He  told  me  I 
stole  the  soap  out  of  the  washroom  and  ate  it.  I 
told  him  I  didn't  eat  the  soap.  He  said,  "  Yes  you 
did,  for  I  can  see  the  lye  on  your  lips."  I  Went  in 
the  caf6  and  called  for  a  drink.  The  bartender 
asked  me  if  I  had  any  money.  I  told  him  that  was 
all  right.    When  I  poured  out  my  drink  the  bar- 


On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw  95 

tender  told  me  that  I  could  buy  whiskey  cheaper 
than  the  proprietor. 

I  went  down  to  Frisco  just  for  a  little  change  and 
a  rest.  The  street-cars  got  the  change  and  the  hotels 
got  the  rest. 

I  took  a  walk  through  China-town.  I  saw  a  China- 
man fall  down  and  break  his  arm  just  above  the 
opium  joint.  They  picked  him  up  and  carried  him 
into  the  house.  When  they  set  him  down  he  fell  over 
against  the  stove  and  hit  the  pipe. 

I  was  walking  along  Market  street  without  a  thing 
on  my  mind  only  my  hat.  When  one  of  the  prom- 
inent men  of  the  town  spoke  to  me,  he  advised  me  to 
leave  town  for  my  health.  He  said  it  wouldn't  be 
healthy  for  me  if  I  stayed.  So  I  decided  I  would  go 
and  in  order  to  see  the  scenery  to  a  good  advantage 
I  thought  I  would  walk.  As  San  Francisco  is  almost 
surrounded  by  water  I  had  no  choice  of  routes.  I 
naturally  went  south. 

My  first  stop  was  San  Jose,  the  garden  spot  of 
California,  ten  girls  to  every  boy.  Every  day  there 
is  either  ladies'  day  or  bargain  day.  Boys,  if  you  are 
a  little  slow  and  can't  catch  a  girl  go  to  San  Jose ; 
if  you  don't  catch  one  there  you  are  certainly  a  dead 
one.  I  took  a  stroll  through  the  park,  I  laid  down 
on  the  grass  beneath  a  beautiful  palm  to  rest,  I  fell 
asleep,  I  had  a  sweet  dream,  I  dreamt  I  saw  a  beau- 
tiful maiden  coming  towards  me,  I  could  feel  her 
soft  hands  upon  me,  I  could  feel  her  winding  her 
golden  net  around  me,  I  thought  she  was  going  to 
steal  me.     When  I  awoke  the  dog-catcher  had  me. 

When  I  got  to  Los  Angeles  I  got  insulted.  As 
quick  as  I  stepped  out  of  my  special  car  they  filled 
it  with  sheep.    I  stayed  there  two  years  one  sum- 


96  On  A  Slow  Train  Through  Arkansaw 

mer ;  yes,  it  was  all  one  summer,  no  winter.  Every 
day  a  holiday,  one  continual  round  of  pleasure. 
Now,  as  I  have  reached  the  land  of  sunshine,  the  ideal 
spot,  I  will  get  a  stop-over  and  take  a  rest. 

In  a  little  cemetery  in  a  far  western  state  lies  a 
brakeman  who  was  killed  in  a  wreck.  Before  start- 
ing out  on  his  last  run  he  asked  for  rest,  the  company 
being  short  of  men  his  request  could  not  be  granted. 
It  was  on  a  Decoration  Day  that  myself  and  a  few 
more  railroad  boys  went  to  the  cemetery  to  place  a 
few  flowers  on  his  grave.  When  we  came  to  it  I  saw 
upon  his  monument  this  inscription:  "  Don't  bother 
me,  I  have  kicked  for  rest." 


This  world  is  but  a  game  of  cards, 

Which  each  one  must  learn  to  play; 

When  hearts  are  trumps  we  play  for  love, 

No  sorrow  mars  our  game. 

When  diamonds  are  trumps  'tis  then  we  play  for  gold ; 

Great  fortunes  are  won  and  lost,  we  are  told. 

When  clubs  are  trumps  look  out  for  war 

On  both  land  and  sea. 

When  spades  are  trumps  our  little  game  is  played, 

For  the  spade  is  saved  to  dig  the  gambler's  grave. 


Fare  thee  well,  me  lovely  Arkansaw, 

I  bid  thee  adieu,  adieu; 
I  may  emigrate  to  Hell-ena,  Montana, 

But  I'll  never  come  back  to  you. 


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